Crypto news

Not only must investors fret about oil rising like bread in a baker’s kitchen, but inflation too grows more animated with every act. O, mon dieu, such drama!

The cryptographic bloodhounds at Whale Alert have sounded the horn, reporting two separate one-billion-USDT transactions. I tell you, that’s the sort of transaction size that makes even an oligarch dab his brow. But Paolo Ardoino, Tether’s head honcho and chief steady-hand-on-tiller, insists it’s all frightfully routine and nothing to do with the market kerfuffle. Business as usual, just a spot of light minting. Jolly good, Paolo. Pull the other one, it’s got blockchain bells on. 🛎️

The entire crypto zoo started bleeding coins faster than a leaky bucket. While BTC had its own moody meltdown, the drama queens of the market—ethereum, XRP, and solana—couldn’t help but collapse even harder.

CryptoQuant, our monks chronicling the invisible march of numbers, have peered grim-faced into the weekly report and pronounced with bureaucratic certainty: momentum has reversed. What once surged towards a shining summit of $112,000 now retreats — like a poorly coded runaway process — to a negative reading of -2 million BTC. Ah, mathematics, that pitiless jailer! 🏚️

But before anyone starts buying celebratory hats, the omens and chicken entrails (or, as the Guild of Quantitative Soothsayers call them, “on-chain activity metrics”) aren’t exactly blaring victory anthems. Things are oddly quiet, like a party where you realize the host has been missing for hours. That’s right, momentum is as elusive as a straight answer at Ankh-Morpork’s City Council.

Of course, it wouldn’t be Fartcoin if there wasn’t a bit of drama. In just seven days, it’s down 27.75 percent—call it a crash diet. Even the trading volume has been on its own weight loss journey, dropping to $162.64 million. The only thing on the rise? Denial.

Dalio jumps on X, drops a thread, big hedge fund energy—real casual—telling everyone that if the Fed cuts rates too fast, it’s like giving a kid too much sugar. Chaos ensues. Interest rates go up, the dollar gets weak, gold’s having a party, and suddenly we’re all in trouble. What, this again? 🚨

The charts, meanwhile, are about as decisive as a committee designing a horse. ETH has planted itself at the bottom of this six-week range, like someone who’s realized the party snacks are down here, signalling buyers might still be hungry—or at least too stubborn to leave the table.

Binance is such a big deal here, its Tron-based USDT trades make up more than 65% of ALL activity. The other exchanges? They’re basically at the kids’ table, nibbling on chicken nuggets while Binance is carving up the roast.

Valuations tumble as if possessed by demons—or auditors. Memecoins across the realm are cast down in disgrace, but none quite so aromatically as our dear FARTCOIN, which droppeth some 9% in but a single day, leaving investors fanning their faces and counting their woes (though, curiously, with more trading than a Parisian fish market).