Crypto News

In a truly heartwarming X post (because we all know nothing says ‘serious’ like a 280-character social media rant), Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent expressed his ‘disappointment’ at the Senate’s inability to move the GENIUS Act forward. He thoughtfully pointed out that, if America continues this game of financial limbo, other countries might just walk off with the stablecoin crown. After all, who doesn’t want to hand over global financial dominance to someone else? 🇺🇸💀

The momentous confiscation, declared on a bleak May 9th by the Federal Criminal Police and their Frankfurt compatriots—one can already picture the grim mustaches, the cold desk lamps—bagged a curious bouquet of digital delicacies: Bitcoin, Ether, Litecoin, Dash. A veritable picnic for the crypto inclined, or perhaps a wake. Germans do take their efficiency rather seriously, managing, in their relentless pursuit of order, to pull off the third grandest seizure of digital assets in BKA’s annals. (Previous two probably gave up and bought beer.)

On a Thursday overshadowed by metaphysical doubt, Wellgistics declared it had secured an equity line of credit, fortifying XRP-based reserves. Their goal? To build infrastructure capable of real-time payments so swift, Dostoevsky’s underground man couldn’t even ponder his next move before the next transaction zipped by.

In a recent fireside chat—with fewer cigars and more impatient glances—Tenev described this moment as a “rebirth.” One imagines him gesturing at the rising sun, only it’s his phone screen, glowing with Robinhood app notifications. American firms, once left behind, now stagger back into the light, blinking in confusion, like Tolstoy’s peasants after a particularly rough winter.

At this point, you might be wondering: “Wait, what is Pi Network? Is it a place mathematicians hang out and argue about the true value of pi?!” Let’s not descend into chaos just yet. Grab your towel and buckle up!

According to these unsleeping blockchain sleuths, 46,495,041 XRP took a jaunt from one “anonymous” wallet to another, which is blockchain-speak for “no idea who, no idea why.”

Literally the day after New Hampshire did a victory lap with their new “We Can Buy Bitcoin Now!” law (remind me again why they always have to go first at everything?), Arizona decided it wanted in—just, you know, in a less adventurous way. Instead of waking up to buy crypto with taxpayer cash, Arizona’s new law lets the state sit on a digital pile of unclaimed coins, kind of like your Venmo balance after brunch but with more legal paperwork.

While the mighty Bitcoin sneaks, slithers and tiptoes around the giant $100,000 mark — shhh, don’t spook it! — the real mischief-makers grinning ear-to-ear are the altcoins. They’ve exploded upwards like fizzy pop shaken far too hard, spraying double-digit gains all over the place. It’s enough to make a bear go vegetarian.

By jove, the legislation to drop the capital gains tax for plebs and patricians alike has cleared the gauntlet of lawmaking and now flutters nervously atop Governor Kehoe’s desk, awaiting a signature and presumably a bit of confetti. The Republican governor, star of stage, screen and, apparently, legislative reform, is rather keen on this performance! Curtain up, Missouri! 🎭

So here they are, panicking because—surprise!—the whole Bitcoin “halving” thing last year actually worked. Half the reward, half the fun. (Honestly, even my ex-wife didn’t slash things in half this aggressively.) Bloomberg says Hut 8 now raked in $21.8 million, which sounds nice until you remember it used to be way, way higher. Their net loss? $134.3 million! Last year? A profit of $250 million! That’s not a balance sheet, that’s a rollercoaster you get off and immediately regret the funnel cake. 🎢