Crypto news

Apparently, back in 2023, someone thought it would be brilliant to roll out an automatic policy designed to “disable texting.” Because, who needs text messages when you can live in a 1990s voicemail world? This “poorly understood and automated” little gem managed to wipe out all those messages from Gensler’s government-issued phone. That’s right, poof-one year of probably very exciting regulatory chatter-*gone.*

Crypto.news is reporting SNX is currently at $0.66 – a full 9.5% drop in the last 7 days, and a seriously depressing 70% below where it started this year. Basically, it’s underperforming. A lot.

He’s all serious about this “cycle peak countdown” stuff, saying Bitcoin’s 95% cooked – bleeding through a typical Q3 shakeout, whatever that means. Is anyone else picturing a bull with a paper cut?

And who could forget the same firm’s recent escapade with $SSK, the Solana + staking ETF? Truly, they are the impresarios of this circus, expanding their repertoire into meme assets as though curating a gallery of modern art. Bloomberg analysts, ever the somber arbiters of sobriety, have noted that the filing appears effective under the 40 Act-a bureaucratic murmur that translates, roughly, to: “Prepare thy wallets, for $DOJE may grace us as early as next week.” 📊

ECB board member Piero Cipollone, with the patience of a saint explaining blockchain to a goldfish, assured the economic committee that this digital marvel would be “free” and “universally accepted”-because nothing says “trust us” like a government-backed cryptocurrency. 🙄

The whole charade is due to commence at 5:00 p.m. local time, and the effect has been… noticeable. As of this moment, EUL is up a rather giddy 34% from yesterday, chugging along at $13.02, though it’s been bouncing between $9.25 and $13.33, a bit like a particularly excitable ping-pong ball.

According to The Information, the powdered shoulders of Nasdada might withhold the favour of trade or, heaven forbid, precipitate the delisting of companies that cannot bring themselves to comply. Verily, this additional scrutiny poses significant short-term regulatory risks to what has been, under the esteemed second-term administration of President Trump, a rather captivating corporate crypto frenzy.

The bearish streak has left investors as jittery as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, with both social media and institutional signals pointing toward more rough times ahead. It’s enough to make you want to hide your crypto under a mattress.

Before this delightful announcement, poor little Hedera (HBAR) had taken quite the tumble to $0.2113-how gauche! But then, as if by magic-or perhaps just good PR-it perked right back up to $0.2136, marking a modest 1.1% rebound. One might call it a recovery worthy of a Noel Coward plot twist. 😉

Pump.fun [PUMP] has been on a 59.6% tear over the last ten days. That’s more gains than Taylor Swift at a breakup party. 🎉