Crypto news

Bitcoin tried to break through the $110,000 barrier, but it was like trying to get through a crowded pub on a Friday night – it just wasn’t happening.

But, as is often the case, the roots of this phenomenon lay in the murky depths of politics and scandal. The FBI and Department of Justice, those bastions of truth and justice, had issued a statement on their review of the Jeffrey Epstein files. And, in a twist that would have been laughable were it not so tragic, they claimed to have found no evidence of a client list.

Alas, poor Toncoin! After a sharp decline earlier this week, its aspirations for a golden visa have been dashed, following a firm denial from UAE authorities regarding claims that crypto investments could lead to residency eligibility. 😱

As CoinDesk’s esteemed analyst and Chartered Market Technician, Omkar Godbole, so astutely observes, “This is a daily technical analysis.” Ah, but what lies beneath the surface of this seemingly innocuous statement? 🤔

Can you conceive? Tokens, little digital phantoms of Apple (AAPLx), Tesla (TSLAx), and even that Saturnine behemoth, the S&P 500 ETF (SPYx), now flutter across BNB Chain as BEP-20s. The xStocks Alliance welcomes BNB Chain into its cabal—a brotherhood of exchanges and DeFi protocols, offering a theater for sixty equity tokens to cavort, as though the walls of reality itself have grown thin.

This token, much like a debutante at her first ball, has made a splash with a staggering 3,206.4% gain over the last 24 hours. Despite a brief stumble earlier in the day, it has recovered with aplomb, drawing over 16,000 transactions and a substantial $4.16 million in volume on Pump.fun. It is, in fact, the most traded token among today’s top performers, a true belle of the ball 🌟.

The esteemed or perhaps simply indefatigable economists, hunched over their ever-dwindling stacks of economic reports, now muse there’s slightly more than a 50% chance—ah, the precision of modern prophecy!—that the Federal Reserve will cut interest rates at its September powwow. Previously they thought December, but who among us can keep track of the opinions that flutter through the corridors of finance like lost pigeons? 🐦

Today, for reasons that likely make sense if you’ve spent at least nine months living under a rock embroidered with “Web3,” SHIB’s burn rate rocketed skywards in, frankly, alarming fashion. A beastly mountain of meme coins was hurled into “inferno wallets”—places so remote and final they make Siberian winter look welcoming. Yet, despite these herculean efforts, SHIB supply continues to loom over the crypto landscape—a number so prodigious you’d need a whiteboard and several nervous breakdowns to count it: a paltry 589,248,746,682,927 SHIB remain. Or, as mathematicians call it: “a lot.”

Ah, stablecoins! Those steadfast companions of the noble investor. When capital hunkers down in these safe havens—idly waiting, one might say—what’s the obvious implication? Investors, ever the opportunists, seem to be gearing up to dive headfirst into the thrilling arenas of altcoins. 🤑

Bitcoin: hovering as lazily as a crocodile after a Sunday roast at $108,600 — and changing less than Grandpa Joe changes socks. The wider CoinDesk 20 (CD20) index, meanwhile, crept up 1.8%, showing the sort of indifference you’d expect from a hedgehog at a porcupine convention. Tariff threats from President Trump? Yawn. Crypto markets rolled over and went back to napping. 💤