Crypto news

The token briefly reached a market capitalization of $1.7 million, a figure that seems to mock the gravity of the situation. One might wonder, is this a tribute or a sideshow? 😂

On December 16, 2025, Startale Group and SBI Holdings signed a Memorandum of Understanding, a document so sacred it could rival a holy scripture. The stablecoin, backed by Japan’s Financial Services Agency (a bureaucratic deity), aims to bridge the chasm between regulated digital assets and the chaotic onchain economy. 🧠💸

After a painfully slow shuffle through November and December, HBAR has settled into a snug little corner-imagine a squirrel hoarding acorns-debating whether this pause is a springboard for a jaunty bounce or just the calm before the next big belly flop.

When economists submitted their predictions of unemployment for the past two months, they expected bad news, and on Tuesday, jobs data published by the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) lived up to the gloomy projections. November gained 64,000 jobs, significantly more than the 50,000 experts predicted, but October saw 105,000 job losses, and now, the unemployment rate has crept up to 4.6%, its highest level in four years. Stocks were in the red, but surprisingly, bitcoin, in another counterintuitive move, climbed 2.5% 🦄.

Now, let’s talk about Kled, the company that compensates users for their personal data by making them label photos and essays. Sounds like a delightful way to spend your weekend, right? They then sell this goldmine of information to AI companies, who presumably use it to train software to do… well, something advanced that we don’t understand. 🤖

The deal, announced with the subtlety of a state decree, now binds Securitize For Advisors to Anchorage Digital’s apron strings. Financial terms? Naturally undisclosed-why burden the masses with numbers when propaganda suffices? This unit, a relic for registered investment advisors (RIAs), offers “tools” to dabble in digital assets, trading interfaces, and client portfolios-all within a “regulated framework,” i.e., a cage with a compliance officer as warden.

Cast your mind back to 2020-a simpler time, when Bitcoin flirted flirtatiously near $10,000. Ah, yes, Michael Saylor and his ilk swooped in like the wealthy debutantes, buying in bulk and absorbing the supply like it was a fancy canapé at a gala. Their acquisitions made the price rise faster than expectations at a Wilde soirée, attracting more admirers-er, buyers-without needing fresh demand. Such a charming dance of supply and demand.

In its 2025 State of Memecoins Report-a tome likely penned by interns over espresso-CoinGecko revealed how electioneering theatrics transformed memecoins from niche curiosities into a $150.6 billion spectacle by December 2024. A sum so vast, it could fund a thousand presidential yachts.

The CoinDesk 20 Index, that barometer of despair, fell 4.3%, its members united in their downward spiral. Traditional markets, too, joined the funeral procession, with the Nasdaq Composite shedding 2.6% on Monday. The AI bubble, that shiny mirage, may burst, and the jobs report looms like a hangman’s noose. The U.S. will reveal its labor wounds on Tuesday-brace yourselves. 🇺🇸

Ah, the whales! Once proud custodians of 4.8 billion XRP, now reduced to mere 3.6 billion! 🚨 A “strategic retreat,” they claim, though history whispers, “This reeks of panic!” As Ali, the soothsayer of Sentiment, proclaims: When whales abandon ship, even the mightiest coin may sink. And sink it did-through $0.60’s crumbling gates, dragged down by the herd’s collective cold sweat.