Crypto news

In a post on X that was undoubtedly more dramatic than necessary, Glassnode analyst Chris Beamish (who clearly has too much time on his hands) has chronicled Bitcoin’s latest existential crisis through the lens of the MVRV Z-Score. This indicator, much like society’s judgment of one’s choice in waistcoats, compares Bitcoin’s market cap with its Realized Cap – which is essentially asking, “Darling, are you worth what you think you’re worth?”

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My dear reader, what is this we hear about Pi Network stagnating like a soggy crumpet at a dinner party? The price flounders near $0.2380, bravely freefalling 1.54% in 24 hours. A performance more dramatic than my last column-though I do prefer my metaphors with a touch of panache 🌟.

Bitcoin’s trying to bounce back like it’s exorcising a crypto demon, but analysts whisper, “Surprise, surprise-it’s a bear market masquerade ball!”

Robert Kiyosaki, the gentleman who penned that book everyone seemed to be reading on airplanes a decade ago, has once again declared the end is nigh. “Rich Dad Poor Dad,” still gathering dust on bookshelves everywhere, has apparently equipped him with the foresight to predict global financial ruin. A heavy burden, one imagines. He speaks, of course, of a crash. A big one. Historically big, even.

The numbers they show, the “open interest,” well, it’s stuck tighter than a tick on a hound dog. Eighty-three point nine million to eighty-four point one million. No big surges, no panicked sell-offs. Just…nothin’. The price? Bouncin’ between fifty-nine cents and sixty-two. Feels like watchin’ paint dry, only the paint is digital and probably won’t actually chip.

The SEC, in its infinite wisdom, has bestowed upon Fuse Crypto a no-action letter, declaring that its native token, the whimsically named ENERGY, does not meet the stringent criteria of its securities laws. Specifically, the token has miraculously passed the Howey test, thus escaping the noose of being labeled a security. One can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from the cryptosphere. 🌪️💸

Chanos, ever the cynic, couldn’t resist pointing out the irony. “Isn’t that when they should be buying more?” he quipped, probably while sipping a cup of tea and stroking an imaginary cat. 🐱 Because, you know, that’s what short sellers do. They sip tea. And stroke cats. And mock people for not buying things when they’re cheap. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

In a post on the enchanted scroll of X, Crypto Waterman proclaimed that the great Bitcoin will rise from the ashes of its recent plunge. Mark your calendars-December 5th! After slumping to a mere $81,000 (a pittance, if you ask me), the crypto king will rise from the depths, like a phoenix… well, with a bit of help from Mercury retrograde, ending on November 29th. Ah, how quaint! 📅🔮

In a recent social media post, Schwartz was all, “Why would we feel more pressure to sell XRP if the price drops? Isn’t it obvious that other income sources would chill us out?” Um, David, honey, we’ve seen your balance sheet. You’re basically a XRP vending machine at this point. 🕹️