Crypto news

Ethereum [ETH] waltzed into July 2025 with a spring in its step, pushing its price past the $4,000 mark, can you believe it? 🙄

Bitcoin’s at it again with another double-bottom pattern, according to ZYN. Last time it did this, prices went on a wild bender-50% up in April and 25% in June. 🥳📊

But here’s the thing. It’s like they’ve built a beautiful shop, stocked it with amazing gifts…and then locked the door. 🚪 Officially launching a “Mainnet” early 2025, grand! But actually *moving* your coins? Oh, honey, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. Slow KYC, the Core Team basically running the show…millions of miners are basically staring at their digital gold, unable to actually, you know, spend it. So, the price? Totally based on a tiny trickle of coins, not the glorious 9 billion they keep banging on about. It’s a valuation built on hope and crossed fingers. A bit flimsy, don’t you think? 😅

Data from Farside Investors reveals that investors yanked a whopping $241 million from these products during the week of August 22. But hey, it wasn’t all bad news-there was a bit of a late-week rebound, which is like finding a $20 bill in your pocket right before you pay the rent. 💸

Take heed, for the charts are whispering tantalizing secrets. Dogecoin ascended above that stubborn descending resistance, teasing the $0.24 level like a playful kitten. 🐈 A classic retest, one might say-a cryptographic cliché that usually announces the chant of continuation. The rumor among analysts is that this current formation resembles those blush-inducing setups prior to previous high-octane surges. If this euphoria endures, daring targets in the tantalizing realms of $0.50 to $0.60 may just twinkle in the distance.

A recent thread on the social platform X, courtesy of the ever-watchful eyes of Lookonchain, has revealed that this crypto whale, with a touch of whimsy, sold a staggering $337 million worth of BTC and proceeded to feast upon $215 million worth of ETH, all while opening a most impressive $577 million worth of ETH long positions. 🦀💰

Let us now revel in the absurdity of numbers, shall we? The Morpho (MORPHO) token ascended to dizzying heights of $2.8567, up over 245% from its March nadir. Its market cap swelled to $867 million, while its 24-hour trading volume rose by 24%. It is as though the ghost of Gogol himself whispered into traders’ ears: “Buy! Buy!” 👻💸

Turner’s departure is yet another shake-up in the agency’s cryptocurrency unit, which seems to have more turnover than a bakery on a Sunday morning. As the IRS struggles to craft regulatory frameworks for digital asset taxation, one can only imagine the chaos behind closed doors.

Bitcoin (BTC) currently lingers near $115,700, a 2.5% spike that’s thrilling investors who’ve forgotten the meaning of “sleep.” Ethereum, XRP, and Solana aren’t about to be left at the station either, galloping ahead like caffeinated ponies. 🐎

TECH, and Legion-projects so obscure, they’d make a librarian weep. 📚