Crypto news

Jerome Powell, that valiant Fed Chair, dropped a bombshell on Sunday with all the subtlety of a slapstick comedian: the Justice Department, in a fit of bureaucratic pique, summoned grand jury subpoenas and waved the specter of criminal charges over his head-over a building renovation, no less! 🏗️⚖️ The man called it “political pressure” with the bluntness of a tavern keeper denying a drunkard another drink: “We set rates for the public good, not to kiss the President’s ring!” 🤭👑

Charles Hoskinson, the founder of Cardano, recently revealed that Midnight protocol will soon integrate Bitcoin and XRP. 🧙♂️✨

Billions flushed down the drain on cybersecurity, yet firms still get pwned by tactics older than the telephone. They hoard firewall trinkets while their employees click on “free Tesla” links. Welcome to the circus of web3, where the lions eat the clowns-and the clowns are holding the keys. 🤡

Bitcoin (BTC) is starting 2026 like a tired mule, refusing to buck the load. On-chain data whispers that long-term holders are slowing their selling, while short-term traders are hugging their coins tighter than a bank vault. It’s the calm before the storm-or maybe just the storm’s nap. 🌪️💤

According to Lookonchain, BlackRock recently transferred over $361 million worth of BTC and ETH, shuttling the cargo to Coinbase Prime, as the transaction details would have you believe 🤷‍♀️.

Behold, Solana (SOL), the lone rebel in this sea of despair, dares to rise by 1.87%-a feat as rare as a snowball’s chance in hell! 🦄

Vishal Sacheendran, Bitpanda’s VP of Global Markets Strategy, recently declared that regulation is not a bureaucratic thorn in their side but a “growth engine.” A bold claim, akin to calling a crocodile a pet. Yet, he insists, securing MiCAR, FCA, and VARA approvals was not a box-ticking exercise but a “deliberate strategy to create a consistent operational model across regions.” A phrase that sounds suspiciously like a euphemism for “we hired a team of lawyers to nap in different time zones.”

Ah, the markets! A place where money flows like a river of nonsense, and investors quietly rearrange their decks as the ship sails into the absurd. Is it a speculative frenzy or a structural shift? Who can say? Perhaps both, perhaps neither-just another day in the theater of the ridiculous. 🎪🤡

Strategy’s now got 687,410 BTC, which is like having a vault full of “I told you so” notes. At $75k a pop, they’ve basically turned their office into a cryptocurrency casino. 🎰

In a January update, the FIU-yes, the Financial Intelligence Unit-announced that simply uploading an ID isn’t enough anymore. As if that ever was. 😂