Circle’s Slow Dance with Lazarus: Stolen Bitcoins & Slightly Slower Actions! 🐍💸

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In a world where time is money, Circle seems to have forgotten the ‘time’ part. Blockchain investigator ZachXBT, who probably owns a pocket watch made of gold and sarcasm, has called out the USDC stablecoin issuer for dawdling like a snail on a treadmill while the Lazarus Group (North Korea’s answer to a bad day) was busy laundering crypto with the enthusiasm of a toddler with a crayon.

Circle, in a recent X post, declared its mission to build the “internet of money” – a phrase so vague it could describe a toaster with a PhD. They claimed they’ve been working on this since 12 years ago, which is roughly 120,000 minutes of “innovation” that somehow didn’t include a ‘freeze illicit addresses’ button. Good job, team. You’ve got the dedication of a squirrel chasing a nut through a maze of red herrings.

ZachXBT, ever the digital knight in shining armor, pointed out that Circle spent six months playing ‘hide the blockchain’ with the U.S. government, while other stablecoin giants acted faster than a cat on a hot tin roof. “You’ve got to work with governments,” they said, as if that’s a new concept. “There’s no way around it.” Oh, but there is, Circle – you just chose to ignore it. 🧠💥

“Your team fought the government on a Lazarus Group freeze for six months while three other major stablecoin issuers blacklisted the addresses immediately. Your team did not immediately freeze OFAC sanctioned…”

– ZachXBT (@zachxbt) August 19, 2025

All major stablecoin platforms eventually joined the party, blocking millions in stolen crypto. But Circle? They’re the last guest at a rave, sipping a lukewarm drink and wondering why no one’s dancing. Meanwhile, the Garantex case – a criminal enterprise that’s been busy stealing from the blockchain equivalent of a bank vault – got shut down by a coalition of law enforcement so united, they probably shared a sandwich. 🕵️‍♂️🔥

Garantex, a platform so shady it could teach a snake a few tricks, allegedly funded ransomware gangs, drug dealers, and child exploiters. Yet, some USDC addresses linked to this chaos are still active, like a zombie in a zombie apocalypse. Circle, you’re not just slow – you’re the reason the Lazarus Group has a Netflix subscription. 🐍💸

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2025-08-19 15:33