Coinbase: Ethereum’s New Best Friend (And Cash Cow) 🐄💸

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Ethereum, that digital ledger with the emotional range of a damp sponge, has suddenly decided to play the stock market like it’s a game show. It’s climbed near record highs, presumably because the network’s users discovered electricity and decided to do things with it. Experts, who are often just people with spreadsheets and a caffeine addiction, claim Coinbase is about to inherit Ethereum’s entire fortune-probably because it owns the equivalent of a golden goose in crypto terms.

Let’s unravel this mystery before the universe forgets it’s supposed to make sense.

Bernstein Sees Coinbase as the Biggest Winner

Bernstein’s analysts, those modern-day Nostradamuses with a penchant for graphs, declared Coinbase the ultimate prize in Ethereum’s latest tantrum of value. Why? Because it lists 250+ tokens and somehow integrated a blockchain called Base. If blockchain were a party, Base would be the guy who brings the keg but forgets to explain the tap system.

Since June 5, Ethereum’s price has risen 80%, likely due to Circle’s market debut (a spectacle involving stablecoins and a lot of people nodding solemnly) and the sudden realization that stablecoins are stable… until they aren’t. It recently cracked $4000, which is impressive if you ignore the 8 months it took to get there.

Base is Driving Ethereum Revenue for Coinbase

Base, that Layer 2 chain that processes 9 million transactions daily, is now Ethereum’s version of a coffee shop barista: overworked, underappreciated, and charging in ETH. While Base lacks its own token (a design choice that screams “existential crisis”), it forces everyone to pay fees in ETH. This nets Coinbase roughly $75 million annually, which is about what you’d spend on a lifetime supply of coffee if you believed in blockchain.

The new Base App, which lets users trade and send crypto like it’s 2013 and everyone still uses MySpace, further cements Coinbase’s role in Ethereum’s ecosystem. It’s like if your local bodega suddenly started accepting cryptocurrency for bread rolls.

Bernstein’s team, led by Gautam Chhugani (a name that sounds like it belongs to a crypto oracle), predicts rising ETH prices will make Coinbase’s Q3 and Q4 look like a Black Friday sale. With ETH staking already contributing 10% of Coinbase’s revenue, this is shaping up to be the most profitable bull market since the invention of the toaster.

Coinbase Rides ETH Gains with Big Holdings

Bernstein also noted that spot ETH ETFs, like BlackRock’s ETHA, offer a 2.9% staking yield. This has companies scrambling to adopt “Ethereum treasuries,” which is just a fancy way of saying “buy ETH and hope it doesn’t crash.” Coinbase itself holds $590 million in ETH, making it the 6th-largest corporate holder. This is either a bold move or a very expensive hobby, depending on your tolerance for risk and existential dread.

Bernstein argues the crypto bull market is in its early stages, which is like saying a volcano is “cozy” before it erupts. With ETFs and treasuries on the rise, expect more companies to treat Ethereum like a financial piñata.

Q2 Was Mixed, But Q3 Could Shine

In July, Coinbase’s trading fees spiked 40% due to ETH mania. Bernstein upped its price target, calling Coinbase “the most misunderstood crypto stock”-a title that could also apply to Bitcoin’s entire value proposition.

For Q3 2025, Coinbase expects $360M in July transaction revenue, with subscription and services revenue projected between $665M and $745M. This is thanks to rising crypto prices and USDC’s market cap hitting a new high. If numbers could scream, this would be a silent movie.

Why Coinbase Could Be the Star of This Rally

Coinbase is cashing in on Ethereum’s rally through trading fees, Base transactions, and its own ETH holdings. It’s like a financial hydra: every time you cut off one revenue stream, it grows two more. If Ethereum keeps climbing, Coinbase might need a bigger wallet-or a therapist.

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2025-08-12 12:41