Somewhere in the hallowed (read: headache-inducing) halls of Congress, someone has declared the week of July 14th as official “crypto week.” That’s right. Somewhere between the endless coffee runs and frantic attempts to pronounce ‘blockchain’ without rolling their eyes, lawmakers plan to discuss the CLARITY Act, the Anti-CBDC Surveillance State Act, and the GENIUS Act. Apparently, this is all meant to create a “clear regulatory framework” and “protect financial privacy,” which is political for “we’re pretending to know what we’re doing with your Bitcoin, please clap.”
US House of GOP: Crypto Week—Jazz Hands Edition 💃
On Wednesday, Financial Services Chairman French Hill, Agriculture Chairman GT Thompson, and the rest of the House Leadership emerged from their natural habitat (a committee meeting, like a very beige safari) to say they’d be transforming America into a global crypto powerhouse. Don’t worry—this all comes after years and years of “dedicated” congressional work, which as we know, is typically spent learning how to mute/unmute on Zoom.
“After years of dedicated work in Congress on digital assets, we are advancing landmark legislation to establish a clear regulatory framework… and permanently block the creation of a Central Bank Digital Currency (CBDC) to safeguard Americans’ financial privacy,” said Chairman Hill, bravely battling both regulatory confusion and his own attention span.
Crypto Week: Aims (and Aspirations…and Spin) 🥲
- Congress will barrel forth with three headline-grabbing bills: the CLARITY Act, the Anti-CBDC Surveillance State Act, and the GENIUS Act—each one longer than a season finale of The Bachelor—hoping President Trump signs them with something other than his famous Sharpie.
- Supposedly, this new regime will bestow “clear regulation” upon American businesses and finally allow people in Silicon Valley to use words like “innovation” without being escorted out by the jargon police. Allegedly, everyone from professors to lawyers (to someone’s friend’s cousin who once mined Dogecoin) has lobbied for this.
- Majority Whip Tom Emmer claims this move will champion privacy, individual sovereignty and—of course—free market competitiveness. No word on whether it’ll help you diversify your meme coin portfolio.
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America’s Digital Hegemony, Because ‘Land of the Free, Home of the Blockchain’ 🇺🇸💰
The congressional plot twist: “crypto week” is all about making America the Beyoncé of the digital asset world. Yes, Tim Scott says it’s about protecting the common folk and ensuring the U.S. leads the Web3 dance. Web3 start-ups, rejoice! Or at least send a thank-you fruit basket.
“The golden age of digital assets is here, and the U.S. will lead,” said Bryan Steil, possibly waving a light-up novelty Bitcoin. “Passing stablecoin and market structure legislation, alongside a CBDC ban, will make sure we win the Web3 race.” Did anyone remind him it’s not actually a race? Shhh.
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FAQs (or Things You Pretend to Understand at Dinner Parties) 🤔
What is U.S. Crypto Week 2025?
All the cool kids (read: lawmakers) debate crypto bills and pretend they’ve totally read all 486 pages. Regulations, privacy stuff, and barely-concealed panic—July 14–18.
What is the GENIUS Act and how does it affect stablecoins?
It’s supposed to wrangle stablecoins into the US finance system, conjure new rules, and help keep the dollar’s “number one fan” foam finger waving in the digital arena.
What does the CLARITY Act mean for crypto regulation?
If you’ve ever tried to explain to your grandma why you bought a cartoon monkey for 30k, this is for you. CLARITY means actually defining if your crypto is a security, a commodity, or just a cry for help. Innovation abounds. Investors, get your popcorn.
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2025-07-04 10:59