Crypto Chaos: Powell, PCE, & Panic 😱💰

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Ah, the crypto markets-a paragon of stability, much like a drunken tightrope walker at a particularly raucous circus. Late last week, Fed Chair Jerome Powell deigned to whisper sweet nothings about monetary policy, sending the digital rabble into euphoric spasms. By Monday, however, the hangover had arrived, proving once again that hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.

Powell, that master of the non-committal shrug, stopped just short of promising rate cuts-delicately suggesting that perhaps, maybe, if the stars align, the Fed might consider being slightly less oppressive next month. Investors swooned anyway, clutching their pearls and stock charts.

The week’s main attraction? The PCE inflation data, a thrilling circus act where economists gasp at consumer spending like Victorian gentlefolk scandalized by ankles. A slight dip in September’s interest rates is anticipated-though, as with all Fed forecasts, it’s about as reliable as a fortune cookie.

A Week of Mild Economic Peccadillos

Tuesday brings consumer confidence data, wherein ordinary people are asked how they feel about inflation squeezing their budgets like an overzealous corset. Spoiler: they’re not pleased.

Thursday promises what economists gleefully call a “big data day”-a phrase that sends precisely no one else into fits of excitement. The GDP growth report arrives, freshly revised with all the late paperwork stuffed in, like a student handing in an essay after the deadline with extra citations scrawled in the margins. HSBC, ever the optimist, predicts a riveting uptick from 3.0% to 3.2%. Try to contain your excitement.

Friday’s pièce de résistance: the Core PCE report, the Fed’s favorite bedtime story about inflation. Alongside it, consumer sentiment will be summarized-a bit like reading the diary of a particularly gloomy teenager.

This Week’s Unmissable Events (Or, How to Pretend You Care About Finance):

1. Monday: New Home Sales (because nothing screams “thrilling” like real estate) 🏡

2. Tuesday: Consumer Confidence (spoiler: they’re not) 🙃

3. Wednesday: Nvidia, $NVDA, Reports Earnings (for those who enjoy watching numbers go up) 📈

4. Thursday: US Q2 2025 GDP (revised! now with 6.7% more tedium!) 📉

5. Friday: Consumer Sentiment (see Tuesday) 📉📉

6. Also Friday: PCE Inflation Data (the weekend starts early with mild despair) 🎉

Yes, quite the week.

– The Kobeissi Letter, or, “How to Tweet Like You Have a CFA” (@KobeissiLetter) August 24, 2025

The jewel in this week’s crown? Nvidia’s earnings, a report so eagerly anticipated that even the stock market’s most jaded gamblers pretend to care. Analysts predict a 48% rise-proof that electronic pixie dust (AI, darling) remains the hottest commodity since tulips.

Digital Assets: A Story of Regret

Monday morning in Asia saw crypto investors waking up to the cold reality that their digital treasures had shed 1% of their vaunted worth-down to a paltry $4.04 trillion. Not quite the dystopian apocalypse, but enough to induce mild indigestion.

Bitcoin, ever the diva, waltzed back to $113,000 after briefly flirting with $117,000-only to be ruthlessly rebuffed, like a lovestruck poet at a debutante ball.

Ethereum, that eternal runner-up, finally breached its 2021 peak with a fleeting spike to $4,950-briefly allowing its fans to crow-before collapsing back to $4,700, as if remembering its place.

The altcoins, as usual, wandered about like confused extras in a shoddy play-some up (Chainlink, Hyperliquid), some down (Tron, Bitcoin Cash, Litecoin), and all of them entirely superfluous to the plot.

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2025-08-25 07:56