Crypto Crashes While Gold and Oil Go on a Joyride: What’s Next?

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Ah, January 29th! A day that will live in infamy-or at least in the dusty annals of financial history. The crypto market, once a shimmering beacon of digital promise, is now crashing down faster than a cat that just realized it’s been put in a bathtub. Bitcoin and its motley crew of altcoins are all sporting shades of red today, as if they’ve just come from an unenthusiastic paintball match, with the total valuation of all coins plummeting to a staggering $2.8 trillion. Yes, trillion with a ‘T’-the kind of number that makes one wonder if it was simply typed in by a particularly eager intern.

  • The crypto market took a nosedive on Thursday, coinciding with a spectacular rise in gold and crude oil prices. Talk about a dramatic flourish!
  • This sudden slump appears to be linked with rising odds of an attack on Iran, because why not add some geopolitical flair to an already unpredictable narrative?
  • It seems Bitcoin and its crypto companions are less ‘safe havens’ and more ‘risky roller coasters’ when the going gets tough.

Oil and Gold Throw a Party While Crypto Mopes in the Corner

  • Bitcoin (BTC), once riding high at $94,000, has now spiraled down to $87,000, proving that even digital currencies can suffer from mood swings.
  • Ethereum (ETH) token decided to drop by a couple of hundred dollars, finding itself at $2,930, clearly not feeling its best.
  • Binance Coin (BNB) has also joined the pity party, falling to $890. The top underachievers of the last 24 hours include Chiliz, River, Render, Mantle, and LayerZero, who collectively dropped over 7%. Truly, a case of ‘misery loves company’.

In the midst of this chaos, gold has decided to don its finest attire, with predictions it may reach a dazzling $10,000 by decade’s end. Ed Yardeni must have consulted a crystal ball-or perhaps just a very optimistic accountant-because this year, gold has jumped by double digits thanks to ETF inflows. There’s nothing like a shiny metal to distract everyone from crypto woes!

Meanwhile, crude oil prices, feeling rather ambitious, have crossed the magical $70 mark for the first time in ages, jumping nearly 20% from its previous low. It’s like watching a toddler learn to walk-awkward but full of potential!

In a rather bizarre twist, Polymarket suggests there’s a 70% chance that President Donald Trump might decide to play ‘Risk’ and attack Iran before the end of the year. Nothing like a little international conflict to spice up the economic landscape!

In a statement on Wednesday, Trump delivered a warning to the Iranian regime, urging them to negotiate with the U.S. regarding their nuclear program. Just months ago, he had claimed that the nuclear program was thoroughly obliterated, which sounds suspiciously like a plot twist worthy of a particularly bad soap opera.

Iran, meanwhile, is adamant that any attack will lead to retaliation, potentially resulting in higher crude oil prices and a prolonged regional kerfuffle. More drama than a reality TV show, really.

Crypto Market in the Pre-Shutdown Shenanigans

The Democrats are squabbling over spending packages, insisting that real reforms be included for the Department of Homeland Security and its agencies, including ICE-because who doesn’t love a good bureaucratic saga?

All this means our dear crypto market is tumbling, as Bitcoin has proven that it’s anything but a safe haven asset. Historically, investors have preferred assets like gold or the Swiss franc during crises, which explains Bitcoin’s sharp drops during various crises last year. It’s almost as if investors were saying, “No thanks, we’ll take our chances with something shiny and stable.”

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2026-01-29 18:02