As I sit at my old, creaking desk, quill poised upon the inkwell, I am told by the whispers of the digital wind—others might call it “Twitter”—that the house of Coinbase, a financial citadel as grand as the governor’s palace in Moscow (but slightly less drafty), now throws open its doors to a new cavalcade of coins for the citizens of Germany. The promise: to buy, sell, convert, transmit, receive, and—if one’s heart is sufficiently reckless—store these shimmering tokens, all from the comforts of an iOS or Android device (as if Count Bezukhov himself had possessed a smartphone and traded in dreams…or DOGINME).
Leaders of Coinbase, their feathered hats cocked rakishly, addressed the eager masses with a proclamation: their parade of assets marches ever onward, determined to bring the wild exuberance of unregulated finance directly to the peasantry.
B3 (Base) (B3), Berachain (BERA), Cookie DAO (COOKIE), doginme (DOGINME), Ethereum Name Service (ENS), Fartcoin (FARTCOIN), HOME (HOME), Kaito (KAITO), Lagrange (LA), Official Trump (TRUMP), PancakeSwap (CAKE), Space and Time (SXT), Toshi (TOSHI), Wayfinder (PROMPT), Wormhole…
— Coinbase Assets 🛡️ (@CoinbaseAssets) July 9, 2025
One can only imagine the philosophical anguish of Pierre upon hearing these names: PancakeSwap (CAKE), the very pinnacle of culinary absurdity meets finance; Doginme (DOGINME), a token presumably dedicated to embracing one’s inner dog, a concept that would flummox even Napoleon; and, of course, the rip-roaring entry of Fartcoin (FARTCOIN), whose very existence surely makes Dostoevsky weep, but only with laughter. And what of Cookie DAO (COOKIE)? Has the world at last recognized the value of baked goods? 🍪
All of this is a medley: DeFi protocols, governance baubles, meme scoundrels, utility tokens—each galloping toward the unknowable horizon. PancakeSwap and Ethereum Name Service, renowned among those who seek decentralized finance and digital identity, now rub digital shoulders with FARTCOIN, whose only governance is over your own sense of dignity.
Coinbase updates
Elsewhere, in a separate decree, Coinbase, never content with one buffet when two will do, reveals that Sky (SKY) and USDS (USDS) shall soon float down onto the Ethereum network. They will be paraded for trading on July 10, 2025, assuming—like the peasants’ crops—liquidity arrives in time.
Not to be outdone by the Old World, the New Yorkers, ever-attuned to novelty, now pry open Subsquid (SQD), Celestia (TIA), XYO (XYO), and Bittensor (TAO), adding them to their ever-growing trove. One would imagine the city’s poets will soon rhyme “TAO” with “wow.”
According to a recent CryptoQuant report—about which my cousin Nikolai would undoubtedly pontificate at length—Coinbase persists as a colossus bestriding the muddy financial landscape of 2025. OKX, Bybit, and Bitget skirmish valiantly for their slice of the pie, but it is Coinbase that sits atop a mountain of reserves, raking in Ethereum transactions like a disciplined count tallying grain. The world spins, tokens multiply, and humanity does what it always does: chases hope and folly, sometimes on horseback, sometimes by blockchain. 😂
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2025-07-10 16:07