If you’ve ever wanted to watch the cryptocurrency market behave like a caffeinated squirrel, today’s your big moment. The president, our favorite orange disruptor, hinted at a “major trade deal” that definitely, absolutely, maybe will be announced tomorrow. Of course, the market promptly lost its mind — it’s up! Or at least, it’s somewhere north of its most recent therapy session.
It’s Not a Bubble, It’s “Market Optimism” 🚀
As CryptoPotato eloquently points out (without a single potato joke, sadly), Bitcoin is apparently eyeing up that $100,000 resistance level the way I eye a sale on artisanal cheese—full of hope, terror, and confusion. But if you look at the rainbow-colored heatmap below, you’ll see—yes, it’s green! Not because of a global financial revolution, but because no one told these coins that markets usually wait for actual facts to go up.
Ethereum? Up 3.6%. It just had a protocol update, “Pectra,” which sounds less like code and more like something you catch at summer camp. Apparently, it “abstracts accounts” and “empowers wallets”—which means what, exactly? I’m not sure, but people in hoodies are excited, and that’s all that really matters.
XRP? Up 2%. Solana, Dogecoin, Cardano, Avalanche, and about six other coins you bought after three drinks? Also up. Everyone’s a winner! Except the people who bought yesterday.
The Tease Heard Around the World 🥳
America and China plan to talk—this weekend, no less, which means we must all drop our brunch plans. President Trump hopped onto Truth Social to fumble a big announcement. What kind of deal? With whom, about what? No one knows. But the caps lock was ON, so you know it’s serious.
Big News Conference tomorrow morning at 10:00 AM., The Oval Office, concerning a MAJOR TRADE DEAL WITH REPRESENTATIVES OF A BIG AND HIGHLY RESPECTED COUNTRY. THE FIRST OF MANY.
That’s it. No details, but the caps really sell it. If things change tomorrow, don’t worry: crypto will still be up, down, or possibly both at once. My advice? Keep your artisanal cheese close and your passwords closer.
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2025-05-08 08:36