Crypto Markets Do the Sideways Shuffle as Powell Plays the Waiting Game!

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Ah, Friday! The day when crypto markets decided that skating sideways was the new Olympic sport, while stocks, bless their fragile little hearts, crumbled like a poorly made biscuit. This delightful spectacle was brought to you by none other than U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell, who, in a tone so neutral it could be mistaken for a wet sponge, suggested that the Fed would adopt a “wait-and-see” approach to monetary policy. Because who doesn’t love a good cliffhanger?

In a conference somewhere in Virginia (where the air is thick with uncertainty and the scent of barbecue), Powell declared that the U.S. economy is facing a “highly uncertain outlook.” This is a bit like saying that a cat in a room full of rocking chairs is facing a “highly uncertain outlook” as well. He went on to mention the elevated risks of both higher unemployment and higher inflation, which is like saying you might get wet if you stand under a waterfall.

Now, while it’s not exactly the Fed’s job to play the role of the wise old sage on policy choices, Powell couldn’t resist discussing the potential economic impacts of President Donald Trump’s new tariffs. Apparently, these tariffs are larger than expected, which is a bit like saying a dragon is larger than a house cat. “The same is likely to be true of the economic effects,” he mused, “which will include higher inflation and slower growth.” In other words, it’s going to be a bumpy ride, folks! 🎢

“The size and duration of these effects remain uncertain,” he continued, sounding like a fortune teller who just lost their crystal ball. “While tariffs are highly likely to generate at least a temporary rise in inflation, it is also possible that the effects could be more persistent.” So, in layman’s terms, it’s a bit like trying to predict the weather in a land where it rains cats and dogs—good luck with that!

“We will continue to carefully monitor the incoming data, the evolving outlook, and the balance of risks,” he added, sounding like a parent keeping an eye on a toddler with a crayon. “It is too soon to say what will be the appropriate path for monetary policy.” In other words, they’re waiting for the stars to align, or perhaps for someone to invent a crystal ball that actually works.

Meanwhile, Trump, in a fit of executive order enthusiasm, signed a proclamation imposing a 10% baseline tariff on all imported goods. This is meant to protect domestic manufacturing, which is a bit like putting a fence around a garden to keep the rabbits out while forgetting that the rabbits can hop over it.

He also detailed “reciprocal tariffs” on dozens of specific countries, effective April 9th, with rates totaling up to 54% on China. Because why not make things more complicated, right?

As for the overall crypto market cap, it dropped by a modest 1.2% on Friday, according to the ever-reliable CoinGecko. Stocks, on the other hand, were hit harder than a piñata at a birthday party, with the S&P 500 dropping by 5.97% and the Nasdaq Composite plunging by more than 6%. The Dow Jones Industrial Average also fell by 5.5%, probably wondering why it even bothered to get out of bed that morning.

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2025-04-05 22:02