Crypto Survives? Wall Street Amazed! 😲

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What to know:

  • Ah, Wall Street’s Bernstein, those champions of the proletariat… or rather, their own pockets 💰, are “impressed” by Bitcoin. As if a digital bauble could ever impress a true worker!
  • Bernstein weeps for the bitcoin miners, those digital-age kulaks. Tariffs, they moan, might harm their hashrate. As if the world hasn’t enough troubles without worrying about these electronic toilers losing a few coins. 💸

“Hi Curly, kill anyone today,” said Billy Crystal’s Mitch to Jack Palance’s Curly in City Slickers. “Day ain’t over yet,” replied Curly. Such is life, eh? Always another soul to fleece, another coin to chase. 😈

Bernstein, ever eager to pronounce judgement from their gilded towers, declares Bitcoin’s mere 26% drop from its peak a sign of “resilience.” A pat on the back for the digital gods, I suppose. 🙄

Previous calamities, like the plague and interest rate shocks, sent this “world’s largest cryptocurrency” tumbling like a drunken peasant. Now, it merely stumbles? Progress, comrades, progress! 🤣

This price tomfoolery “suggests demand from more resilient capital,” these analysts proclaim. Resilient capital, indeed! More like fools with money to burn 🔥, but who am I to judge?

“Bitcoin’s digital gold thesis has strengthened driven by growing institutional adoption – institutional flows via ETFs and corporate treasuries,” they write. Gold for the digital age, they say. Bah! Still just shiny trinkets for the wealthy. 💎

Still, tariffs are a pox on the miners.

They strangle the mining supply chain, these tariffs do, and that spells doom for the American bitcoin miners’ hashrate, according to Bernstein. Oh, the suffering! The injustice! As if miners were the most important thing in the world. 🤡

Large bitcoin miners, such as Riot Platforms (RIOT), IREN (IREN), MARA Holdings (MARA) and CleanSpark (CLSK), could seize the market share, they claim, as they are already bloated and have “AI optionality.” AI, you say? Now that’s a rabbit hole even deeper than Bitcoin itself! 🕳️

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2025-04-08 20:29