Crypto’s Wild Ride: DATs to the Rescue! 🚀💰

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In the absurd theatre of financial folly, Digital Asset Treasuries (DATs, if you must abbreviate, you philistine) have emerged as the unlikely saviours of a crypto market that began December with all the grace of a drunken walrus. 🍾🐳

On Tuesday, the Ether DATs staged a comeback as dazzling as a society hostess at a debutante ball, with the Nasdaq-listed EthZilla (ETHZ) soaring 12.35% to a princely $10.80 in after-hours trading. According to Google Finance, no less. 📈✨

Meanwhile, the behemoth BitMine-the world’s largest Ether treasury, and a veritable whale in this sea of speculation-reportedly “bought the dip” with the enthusiasm of a socialite at a clearance sale. Its shares (BMNR) climbed 10.26%, reaching $32.40 in after-hours trading, a staggering 650% rise since its June announcement. One can only imagine the champagne corks popping at headquarters. 🥂🐋

The star of the day, however, was the absurdly named Thumzup Media Corp (TZUP), which gained 13.25% on the Nasdaq. What on earth they do, no one quite knows, but clearly, they’ve got the Midas touch-or perhaps just a very good PR team. 🌟👍

Bitcoin DATs: The Wallflowers of the Ball

While the Ether crowd was busy stealing the spotlight, the Bitcoin DATs lingered by the punch bowl, looking distinctly less glamorous. Several altcoin treasury companies outshone their Bitcoin counterparts, with GD Culture Group (GDC)-a virtual content producer and TRUMP memecoin treasury, of all things-gaining 11.4%. 🌈🤡

Solana (SOL) treasury (HSDT) and Sui Group Holdings (SUIG) also joined the party, with gains of 9.36% and 7.7%, respectively. Meanwhile, Michael Saylor’s Strategy (MSTR), the world’s largest crypto treasury, managed a modest 5.78% gain, its shares peaking at $188 during Tuesday’s trading. A far cry from its former glory, poor dear. 😢💼

Since the beginning of the year, Strategy stock has plummeted 37.4%, most of its losses occurring since the mid-October market reversal. One wonders if Mr. Saylor is still preaching the gospel of Bitcoin to anyone who’ll listen. 🎙️📉

BitMine: The Dip-Buying Aficionado

Ah, BitMine, ever the opportunist, has reportedly been scooping up Ether like a child in a sweet shop. On Monday, it acquired 7,080 ETH worth $19.8 million, followed by a whopping 18,345 ETH (approximately $55 million) on Tuesday, according to the ever-watchful eyes of Lookonchain and Arkham Intelligence. Whether these purchases are officially confirmed or not, one can only admire their audacity. 🛒🤑

Ether prices, in response, rebounded to a five-day high of $3,060 on Wednesday morning, proving once again that in the world of crypto, the only certainty is uncertainty. 🎢🔮

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2025-12-03 09:06