Did Trump Just Speedrun Crypto Laws? Bo Hines Spills the Regency Tea ☕️💰

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What to know:

  • Mr. Bo Hines, lately styled President Trump’s counsellor in all things most novel and digital (cryptocurrency, no less!), assured CoinDesk that this week’s exertions in Congress may, perhaps, yield momentous results—though, as with any soirée, one dare not leave too early, lest one miss the scandalous denouement. Two ambitious crypto bills may yet present themselves to Mr. Trump before the summer recess, provided fortune does not throw a spanner in the carriage wheels.
  • Regarding the President’s own foray into the fashionable world of digital assets, Mr. Hines protested—or should one say, declared with the vigour of a man defending his carriage horses—that there was nothing untoward about it.
  • Should you be in Toronto next month and at a loss for agreeable company, Mr. Hines will expound upon these matters at Consensus 2025. Attend, if only for the bonnets and blockchains.

The United States Congress, dear reader, is this week beset by strategists with a singular passion: to pass, with almost indecent alacrity, legislation for the oversight of cryptocurrency—a topic that would puzzle even Lady Catherine herself. Mr. Hines, whom President Trump, with characteristic flair, elevated to executive director of the exalted Presidential Council of Advisers for Digital Assets (one wonders how this looks on a calling card), confided to CoinDesk that all manner of routines and procedures are being pressed and starched in readiness, like so many petticoats, to regulate the issuers of stablecoins. Once that little matter is settled, they hope to address the grander question of the entire crypto marketplace, a task rather reminiscent of turning out a stately home with but a week’s notice.

All, Mr. Hines intones, is “well on pace to achieve what the President desires”—that both proposals shall soon find their way to Mr. Trump’s hands, and, if the Fates allow, transform into law before Congress flees for its summer amusements in August. Imagine! Financial revolution, with ample time for a countryside ramble afterwards.

Indeed, our cryptic shepherd remarks that the stablecoin bills wandering through those august chambers are “90% aligned.” A minor trifle, really, to bring them into harmony—like persuading two proud sisters to wear matching bonnets. “We are mitigating any differences,” says Hines, “and we feel in a most felicitous state.” Foundation-laying has never seemed so daring.

As for the more daunting task of regulating the whole crypto bazaar, draft bills should make their flirtatious debut at society “events” in a matter of weeks. If they appear in frocks trimmed with Bitcoin, do not be aghast.

Trump’s business

Imagine, if you will, Congress scurrying with uncharacteristic energy! (One cannot help but wonder if tea was laced with something stronger.) Meanwhile, the President’s own interests in this bustling crypto affair have raised a few genteel eyebrows among the opposition, who clutch their pearls and mutter of improprieties, self-dealing, and foreign influence. World Liberty Financial and the scandalously fashionable $TRUMP memecoin both find a comfortable home in the President’s purse. Mr. Hines, not to be upstaged, explains this is simply what any “good business person” would do—an opportunity so clear, even the Bennet family would send Lydia shopping.

“The President and his family may engage in whatever marketplace pleases their sensibilities,” quoth Hines, as if this right were as natural as breathing (or, indeed, tweeting). He stresses that their minds are focused exclusively on making America the world’s crypto capital, and that they wear their “blinders”—which sounds most uncomfortable, though very single-minded.

Mr. Hines, at only nine and twenty, retains the loyalty of Trump as ardently as Mr. Darcy retained his razor-sharp wit. In fact, Trump, with characteristic disregard for resumes, chose Hines straight from his unsuccessful forays into North Carolina politics to serve as “sherpa,” guiding one and all up the chilly heights of Capitol Hill. “We move faster than any administration before us,” boasts Hines—certainly faster than Lady Bertram with her pug.

Bitcoin reserve

The crypto circles have long clamored for a federal-reserve of digital assets—a stockpile, if you will, of virtual guineas. Trump, ever the enterprising Regency gentleman, insisted upon a bitcoin (BTC) reserve, among other baubles, and, true to character, expected it to be budget-neutral. (Heaven forbid his endeavours inconvenience the taxpayers!)

Mr. Hines, a loud supporter of the scheme, reports the Treasury is now picking through dusty audit ledgers, investigating just how many crypto “tokens” lurk in government nooks and crannies. Additional schemes to bolster these digital reserves without raising taxes are “under consideration”—which is Regency parlance for ‘making it up as we go and hoping no one notices.’ “Bitcoin is digital gold,” says Hines, “and we wish to have a considerable hoard.” Dragons would be envious.

No date is set for when these treasures will begin stacking up in the national purse. Perhaps the tokens will emerge, like eligible bachelors, when least expected.

Diverse views

The shift from President Biden’s cool suspicion to Trump’s enthusiastic crypto embrace has been—you’ll forgive the term—a bit dramatic. Bureaucratic doors previously bolted have now opened, and regulatory agencies, not famed for their agility, have hastened to organize crypto roundtables in rooms where, not long ago, only cucumber sandwiches appeared.

Mr. Hines, always keen to appear energetic, says he has conducted two hundred meetings since taking office (one wonders how much tea was consumed), and confesses that opinions in the industry are “varied”—a fact that would surprise no one acquainted with English drawing rooms. Yet, he assures all that the great and the good of crypto are sufficiently united for Congressional purposes, with details still to be worked out, like the seating arrangement at a ball.

The entire crypto push may appear, to the less initiated, to resemble a chaotic country dance, with everyone careering in different directions, but Hines suggests this is simply the nature of progress. One must not expect the transformation of a “three-decade-old” financial system to occur in perfect silence. Gossip, fuss, and a little confusion are all part of the revels.

Anticipate, dear reader, the dawn of a brave (and, possibly, bewildering) new age—where American democracy and digital tokens make the most peculiar, but not entirely disagreeable, companions. 🚀🦄

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2025-04-30 17:26