In a night as inexplicable as one of Woland’s mischievous schemes, the market—our modern, digital Diabolus—stumbled into a pit of despair. Investors, caught in an absurd masquerade of economics and destiny, reacted to trade restrictions with the fervor of doomed magicians. 
Over the past 24 hours, the great, elusive market shrank by 8.43%, tottering at a meager $2.45 trillion. And as if by a devilish conjuration, trading volumes surged by 190%, each trade echoing the frantic laughter of spectral bystanders. 
Ah, Bitcoin—that towering edifice of digital dreams—fell by 7.75% to a modest $76,800. Its once-robust market cap dwindled to $1.52 trillion, while its trading volume spiraled into the stratosphere at a jaw-dropping $49 trillion. Traders, like haunted souls fleeing a crumbling mansion, scattered into the night. 
Not to be outdone, Ethereum found itself the subject of a cruel jest by fate; its value evaporated by 14.5% to a humble $1,544, leaving behind a mere $186 billion in market cap and $28.9 billion in volume—a numbers’ ballet as absurd as any performed in a surreal circus. 
XRP, whispered about in the shadowy corridors of crypto legend, endured a 17% plunge to $1.76, its market cap now a modest $102.8 billion. Meanwhile, Solana, once a fiery comet in the crypto firmament, dropped 15% to settle at $101.7, with a market cap of a now laughable $52.4 billion. 
Adding to this cosmic theater of the absurd, liquidations amassed over $1 billion within a single day. The long positions—those hopeful acolytes—were struck down by a fearsome $872.54 million, while the shorts, ever the cynics, watched $120.25 million vanish like smoke in a cursed breeze. 
As the global tariffs danced like mischievous imps among the ruins of certainty, crypto investors were forced to reexamine their strategies with the skepticism of a man who has seen too many miracles gone awry. In this grand spectacle of chaos, the crypto Fear and Greed Index now murmurs “Extreme Fear” at a pitiful 23—a tragicomedy worthy of the pages of a surreal novel. 
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2025-04-07 09:25