Dow Surges, Bitcoin Rockets Past $100K After Trump Unleashes British Trade Fanfare 🚀

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Picture this, dear reader: The markets today, bedecked in green like actors at their finest fĂȘte, strutted their stuff upon the worldly stage. All thanks to a trade truce, with Washington and London applauding each other as if they’d just finished a love scene.

The auspicious Dow, feeling especially boisterous, leapt up 254 points—outpacing the competition as if Monsieur Dow himself had discovered a secret recipe for happiness. The S&P 500 followed, a smidge less spirited but not wanting to be upstaged, while the Nasdaq pirouetted upward with a flourish worthy of Versailles. Even Alphabet’s shares danced a little jig after putting rumors of search ennui to rest—clearly, Apple’s complaints about fading Safari searches proved to be as momentous as a powdered wig during a hurricane of innovation.

And behold, Bitcoin! Like Orgon after spotting Tartuffe’s alleged piety, this crypto made a miraculous leap past $100,000 for the first time since February—prompting investors to check their digital purses for hidden fortunes. 💰

Trade deal ‘in the coming weeks’ (or so they say!)

The world’s investors, intoxicated as if by a fresh batch of MoliĂšrean punch, rushed to snatch up assets after Monsieur Trump wafted hope into the air—promising a British-American trade deal to be served piping hot “in the coming weeks.” This arrangement, the toast of the diplomatic soirĂ©e, was lauded as a remedy for those bruised by tariffs, though one suspects the wounds may need a tad more than soothing rhetoric.

Boeing’s stock, after eavesdropping on news of a $10 billion order from London, soared with almost comical enthusiasm. One imagines the Boeing boardroom bursting into song: “For we are jolly good fellows, and you can’t deny!” đŸŽ¶

Not content with merely tossing trade deals into the crowd, Trump brandished the promise of “the biggest tax cuts in history”—declaring, with the subtlety of Scapin, that the U.S. economy would soon leap into the stars (rockets not included in the budget, perhaps).

Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Bessent and Trade Representative Greer are suiting up for a weekend rendezvous in Switzerland, set to parley with the Chinese. Will they resolve their quarrels, or merely rehearse another act of this bracing farce? Place your bets, mesdames et messieurs! 🎭

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2025-05-09 01:44