Eric Trump Wishes Big Banks Would Just Take a Nap—Crypto to the Rescue?

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If ever a conference needed a jolt of robust family drama and apocalypse finance, TOKEN2049 Dubai surely lucked out. Enter Eric Trump, whose qualifications for financial punditry include being Executive VP of The Trump Organization and the proud offspring of a U.S. President, plus what must be a world record for surviving family board meetings. He waltzed onstage alongside Tron’s permanently-enthusiastic Justin Sun and Zach Witkoff of World Liberty Financial, forming a panel that felt like a cross between Shark Tank and an episode of Succession sponsored by Bitcoin.

Eric did not dally with pleasantries. Our banking system, he insisted, is “absolutely broken”—so broken, apparently, you almost expect to see bankers wandering Wall Street clutching wire transfer forms and sobbing softly over memories of functional ledgers. Big banks, he complains, have had it in for the Trump family, and what better place to air your financial grievances than on a crypto stage in Dubai, surrounded by people who roam the blockchain as if it’s an amusement park? The urge to imagine a subcommittee where “Bankers vs. Trump” is the main cage fight is almost irresistible.

🔥🇦🇪 Exclusive dispatch:

“It’s a joke why do banks run 9-5 Monday through Friday with an hour and a half lunch break… the old financial system is broken.” – @EricTrump

In other news, Mondays remain unpopular with both banks and everyone else on the planet.

— The Crypto Times (@CryptoTimes_io)

Eric’s take: banks have become the financial equivalent of the fax machine—bulky, baffling, and beloved by precisely no one under 60. Crypto, he crows, is going to leave the banks in the dust, which is quite a feat when you consider most banks have been gathering dust since the invention of air conditioning. Apparently, unless banks develop a taste for rapid innovation (or at least a less laughable work schedule), they’ll soon be as relevant as buying a cassette tape in 2025.

And what’s with those hours, really? 9 to 5, with a lunch break longer than most Netflix episodes—one can only assume they’re recharging their printers. According to Eric, “It’s a joke,” though frankly, it sounds more like an extended siesta than slapstick comedy.

He reserved some uncharacteristic benevolence for crypto’s promise: financial freedom for the masses! No more praying your currency still exists by breakfast. If you own a phone (and you’re not inside a Faraday cage), you can access the wonders of blockchain finance. Which is undeniably more appealing than camping out in the bank lobby trying to decode a mortgage form for six hours.

The UAE, Eric says, is a beacon of open-armed innovation. Europe? Not so much. He claims, with a mathematician’s certainty, that America is “1,000% times better.” Somewhere, an accountant just fainted.

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2025-05-01 14:45