ETH DUMPED?! Hackers Go Wild! 🤪

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So, the alleged Bybit hackers, who I’m sure are just misunderstood performance artists, apparently decided to liquidate their ill-gotten gains in Ethereum (ETH). And by “liquidate,” I mean “press the self-destruct button on the price,” which plummeted faster than my approval rating after I hosted the Golden Globes. 📉

In a mere 12 hours, two suspiciously fresh wallets – fresher than Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest cleanse – shuffled around 14,064 ETH through THORChain and Chainflip. Because nothing screams “innocent bystander” like using names straight out of a Norse mythology convention. Then, they cashed it all in for a cool $27.5 million in DAI at, like, $1,956 per ETH. Smart, but also, *eye roll*.

Those internet sleuths over at Lookonchain (bless their data-crunching hearts) noticed these wallets, flush with thousands of ETH from who-knows-where. One wallet was all, “Let’s use CoW Swap!” while the other was like, “Nah, Uniswap is my jam!” Because when you’re laundering money, you obviously want to diversify your DeFi choices. 🤷‍♀️

Hackers are dumping $ETH!

2 new wallets(likely related to hackers) received 14,064 $ETH from #THORChain and #Chainflip, then dumped for 27.5M $DAI at an average selling price of $1,956.

— Lookonchain (@lookonchain) March 28, 2025

Apparently, these hackers are playing Carmen Sandiego with our funds, bouncing across chains to avoid detection while turning their crypto into stablecoins. Because nothing says “I’m not a flight risk” like a stack of digital dollars. Given the current market chaos, these huge sell-offs are causing traders to panic sell faster than I do when faced with a toddler’s artwork. 😱

Market analysts – those wizards of Wall Street – are whispering that low liquidity is making everything worse, leading to an even more dramatic ETH price nosedive. Like watching a soufflé collapse, but with more crying. 😭

As I frantically type this, ETH is clinging on to $1,890 for dear life – down 6.36% in the last 24 hours. It briefly touched $1,900, and everyone was like, “It’s coming back!” But nope. It just kept falling. Because apparently, crypto has a mean streak. 😈

While no one really knows *why* ETH is tanking, these hackers are definitely not helping. They’re like that one friend who always orders the most expensive thing on the menu and then asks to split the bill evenly. Rude. 🙄

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2025-03-28 16:21