Ethereum’s $10 Billion Birthday Bash, SEC’s Crypto Waltz & ETF Shenanigans Revealed!

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On a damp, brooding Monday that would have made Gogol himself weep with bureaucratic joy, Ethereum emerged into its tenth year not with a cake, but with a treasure chest: over 2.73 million ETH, worth more than $10 billion, stashed away in corporate treasuries. Rumor has it even the candle merchants are jealous. This 2.26% chunk of Ethereum’s supply is now guarded by business titans with names so illustrious—SharpLink Gaming, Bitmine Immersion Technologies—that lesser mortals may curtsy in reverence (but preferably not in the mud, please). Remarkably, even the Ethereum Foundation has been elbowed aside in this great fever of acquisition; perhaps next they’ll be looking for deals on eBay. 🎩💰

Imagine it: institutions, which would normally shudder at the mention of “blockchain,” now frolic giddily into Ethereum ETFs like merchants at a fair. These ETFs are soaking up cash at a pace that would make even the greediest shopkeepers blush, drawing in $65 million in daily inflows and totaling $21.5 billion in management. The SEC, in a rare flash of whimsy, has blessed the scene with an in-kind creation/redemption model, letting investors dodge taxes with all the elegance of a mustachioed civil servant tip-toeing past duties.

XRP and Solana ETFs Might Crash the Party—Soon

The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, never content with mere alphabet soup, has now devised a Generic Listing Standards so broad that it practically invites rogue cryptos in for tea and biscuits. If a digital asset has survived six months trading futures on a “designated” exchange—whatever that means—it can soon be ETF’d, gift-wrapped, and paraded theatrically on Wall Street. Participants include Ethereum, XRP, Solana, Cardano, Dogecoin, and, for comic relief, Shiba Inu. Picture the party: some sipping champagne, others chewing noisily on table legs.

Insiders—those sagely analysts lingering in the corner—whisper that Solana could get ETF greenlighted before October 10th, with XRP bumbling in behind just days later, possibly distracted by a squirrel. The approval odds for XRP, Solana, and Litecoin now apparently exceed 95%, although in traditional Gogol fashion, who’s done the counting is anyone’s guess.

The SEC, not to be outdone by itself, has unveiled Bitcoin-Ethereum ETPs, ballooned options contract limits, and somehow found a way to make ETF redemptions less painful for those allergic to taxes. Bureaucratic hurdles have been bulldozed, with the cranky old 19b-4 rule chucked aside. Now, listings can tiptoe through the tulips in 75 days or less. Efficiency, but with a twinkle of absurdity. 🍾🐕

SEC Loans Out the Keys, Now Aims to Lead the Parade

In a twist worthy of the finest Petersburg sleight of hand, the SEC has quietly delegated ETF approval powers to the ever-stoic Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC), basing eligibility on—of all things—trading history. It’s as if your grandmother let the neighbor kid decide what’s for dinner based on how often he visits the kitchen.

SEC Chair Paul Atkins, donning his most dapper bureaucratic frock, declared that the Commission will henceforth “lead the cryptocurrency revolution.” Rumor has it he said this while juggling three ledgers and a regulation of questionable relevance.

Despite grumbles about Coinbase Derivatives hogging the qualifying futures market monopoly (one chair, seven sitters—it’s awkward), the SEC’s step marks a regulatory shuffle with all the artistry of a government department discovering modernity. If the city of St. Petersburg had cryptocurrencies, surely there would be a monument to paperwork. 🏛️📈

Seventy-two crypto ETF applications currently lounge, waiting for their moment of glory—and if market murmurs are true, the coming months may be more bullish than a Russian novel’s love triangle. At least, until someone mistakes the paperwork for a new Dostoevsky plot.

Cover image from ChatGPT, ETHUSD chart from Tradingview

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2025-07-31 18:13