FBI Wipes $345M BTC Hard Drive: Justice or Just a Good Cleanup? 🤔💸

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In a twist worthy of the most absurd Soviet satire, an individual, who had the audacity to be convicted of identity theft-imagine the nerve!-sued the mighty US government for snatching his treasure trove of digital gold-the glorious 3,400 BTC, valued at a staggering $345 million. But alas! The court, with a flourish of judicial sarcasm, declared that the FBI’s hands are clean as a whistle, and apparently, so are the hard drives. The man, slightly late to the crypto party, failed to enlighten the authorities about his colossal wealth, leaving them no choice but to bash that big red “Wipe” button as part of their “standard procedures” (because who doesn’t wipe digital treasure like a kitchen counter?) 🤷‍♂️😂

FBI Not Responsible-Just Doing Its Job, Folks

Picture this: at the venerable Eleventh Circuit Court of Appeals, three wise judges sat-probably bored but dignified-who decided that Michael Prime’s latest cry of “Hey! That’s mine!” was a tad … unconvincing. Prime, fresh out of the clink, asked for his “precious” hard drive back, hoping the FBI’s digital extermination was just a bad joke. But nope! They wiped it clean, citing the “standard procedures” rule, which is conveniently as flexible as a rubber band. The court noted that Prime had a habit of denying his cryptocurrency empire, only to claim finery later-like a gambler trying to hide his chips after losing the big hand.
“Prime’s delay in claiming rights to his bitcoins was unreasonable,” said the judges, perhaps with a hint of smirk, “and awarding him the loot would be, well, just plain unfair.”

False Claims and Financial Shenanigans

Prime initially boasted to the court he owned about 3,500 BTC-enough to bankroll a small country, or at least a very fancy vacation castle. But then, after a plea deal involving device fraud, identity theft, and firearms (yes, guns and crypto-what a combo!), he switched his tune. Suddenly, his “fortune” was more like a mere pocketful-around $200 to $500-hardly enough to buy a decent pizza, let alone a cyber-empire. The judges, not known for their sympathy in such matters, smirked and said they didn’t believe his “market value” story either, pointing out that Bitcoin at the time was worth over ten grand-probably enough to make him cry into his digital pillow. 🤣

The Great Bitcoin Vanishing Act

Prime’s excuse? That he was “reporting the market value of a single Bitcoin,” as if Bitcoin were some sort of collectible card, not a digital treasure buried deep in cryptographic vaults. Judges rolled their eyes and declared, “We don’t buy it,” because Bitcoin prices weren’t exactly hiding behind the curtains-they were soaring! According to Glassnode, nearly 7% of all Bitcoin-1.46 million coins-are now lost forever, probably in digital limbo, likely by careless owners or purveyors of bad passwords. Chainalysis claims the loss might even stretch as high as 3.7 million BTC-so much for fortune-making, eh?🤐💥

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2025-11-07 17:22