Oh, the crypto market might hit rock bottom by June? How thrilling. Nansen analysts, those eternal optimists, say there’s a 70% chance we’ll all stop hyperventilating into paper bags soon. Because nothing says “supporting foundation for the next leg up” like global trade wars and a side of existential dread. 🎢
Meanwhile, some absolute madlad turned $2,000 into $43 million by betting on a frog meme. Because of course they did. Pepe the Frog: now officially more financially rewarding than an MBA. 🐸💰
70% Chance Crypto Stops Bleeding Before June (Maybe)
Ah, tariffs—the economic equivalent of throwing sand in the playground. Trump’s latest “let’s make trade awkward again” move has everyone clutching their pearls (and portfolios). But fear not! Nansen’s Aurelie Barthere, who clearly has the patience of a saint, says crypto might stop free-falling by June. Or not. Who knows? 🤷♀️
“Once the toughest part of the negotiation is behind us, we see a cleaner opportunity for crypto to finally mark a bottom.” Translation: “Hold onto your butts until the adults stop yelling.”
From Ramen to Riches: One Trader’s Frog-Fueled Fortune
Meet the genius who turned lunch money into a private island by YOLO-ing into Pepe. Lookonchain, the blockchain’s resident gossip column, spilled the tea: this legend bought 1.5 trillion PEPE (because why not?) and cashed out $6.66 million. The devil’s in the details, folks. 😈
Pepe’s down 74% from its peak, but who cares when you’ve already won capitalism? Memecoins: where hope, dreams, and utter nonsense collide. 💥
Stablecoins: The $1 Trillion Safety Blanket (Allegedly)
David Pakman from CoinFund thinks stablecoins will hit $1 trillion this year. Because nothing says “stable” like a market that swings harder than a divorcée’s mood. But hey, if ETFs start offering staking rewards, DeFi might finally get the attention it deserves. Or it’ll just be another thing for regulators to ruin. 🎭
— CryptoMoon (@CryptoMoon) March 27, 2025
Avalanche: Stablecoins Up, AVAX Down (Because Logic Is Dead)
Avalanche’s stablecoin supply jumped 70%. Great! AVAX price dropped 60%. Wait, what? Juan Pellicer from IntoTheBlock shrugged and said, “Maybe people just like sitting on piles of cash?” Groundbreaking analysis, Juan. 🧠
DeFi TVL: Down Bad. AI & Social Apps: Up Good.
DeFi’s TVL fell 27% because, surprise, hacks and economic uncertainty aren’t great for business. Meanwhile, AI and social apps are thriving. Because if there’s one thing humans love, it’s pretending robots won’t eventually enslave us all. 🤖
DeFi Market Overview: It’s Not Great, Bob!
Most top 100 cryptos are red. Pi Network (PI) dropped 34%. Berachain (BERA) fell 30%. But hey, at least we’re all in this together—miserable, but together. 💔
Thanks for enduring this week’s crypto rollercoaster. Tune in next Friday for more existential crises and frog memes. Cheers! 🍻
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2025-04-04 21:10