In those mist-laden expanses beyond Berlin, where bureaucracy whispers and cables shudder in secret, the stalwart German police—who, it seems, missed their calling as Dostoevskian sleuths—unearthed a hoard of 34 million euros in digital treasures. The cache, shimmering and impenetrable as a Russian birchwood, belonged not to any impoverished nobleman, but to eXch: a cryptocurrency platform favored by men with shadowy intentions and, apparently, no patience whatsoever for things like “Compliance” or, dare one say, “Common Sense.”
The momentous confiscation, declared on a bleak May 9th by the Federal Criminal Police and their Frankfurt compatriots—one can already picture the grim mustaches, the cold desk lamps—bagged a curious bouquet of digital delicacies: Bitcoin, Ether, Litecoin, Dash. A veritable picnic for the crypto inclined, or perhaps a wake. Germans do take their efficiency rather seriously, managing, in their relentless pursuit of order, to pull off the third grandest seizure of digital assets in BKA’s annals. (Previous two probably gave up and bought beer.)
But the police, as it turns out, were only getting started. Like hunting through Chekhov’s footnotes, they swept up eXch’s server infrastructure with all the determination of a Tolstoyan general, plundering eight terabytes of data—enough to preserve several lifetimes’ worth of existential dread. Then, with a flourish worthy of Turgenev’s more sarcastic uncles, they shut the whole platform down. Naturally.
eXch’s Ingenious Plan: No AML, No Problem 🙈
The BKA, sounding faintly embarrassed on Germany’s behalf, described eXch as a “swapping” service. In this context, “swapping” meant permitting patrons to exchange coins as freely as aristocratic favors at a Petersburg soiree—unsullied by anything resembling Anti-Money Laundering oversight. As one might anticipate, this laissez-faire approach had certain unpleasant consequences.
The tale stretches back to 2014, when eXch, weary of sunlight, began facilitating roughly $1.9 billion in crypto shenanigans. Some of these coins, it appears, were decidedly naughty, including a slice of the Bybit hack’s $1.4 billion loot. We can only hope the hackers at least wrote thank-you notes.
“Among other things, a portion of the $1.5 billion stolen from the Bybit crypto exchange, which was hacked on Feb. 21, 2025, is said to have been exchanged via eXch,” announced the authorities, adopting the tone of a governess discovering the samovar has gone missing.
Other Scandals: Multisig, FixedFloat, and Phishers Frolicking 🐟
On the frayed pages of ZachXBT’s digital diary, it’s all there for those inclined to look: eXch’s unsolicited adventures through Multisig, FixedFloat, the Genesis creditor caper—plus a host of phishing drainer services who, rather than freezing anything, just sat around playing balalaikas and waiting for their addresses not to be blocked.
ZachXBT, a sort of Sherlock Holmes with better Wi-Fi, was among the first to holler about eXch’s laundering expertise. “Lazarus Group transferred 5K ETH from the Bybit Hack to a new address and began laundering funds via eXch (a centralized mixer) and bridging funds to Bitcoin via Chainflip,” he whispered on Telegram, as though anyone there wasn’t already awake at 4am.
eXch’s Grand Farewell: “It’s Not Me, It’s SIGINT” 🎭
Indignation works in mysterious ways. Initially, eXch denied any part in the Bybit misadventure. Yet, realizing the Teutonic gaze was fixed upon them with a focus unmatched since Goethe, they decided to bow out by May 1, leaving only a plaintive post on Bitcoin Talk. In it, they declared, with just the right amount of wounded pride, “Even though we have been able to operate despite some failed attempts to shut down our infrastructure […], we don’t see any point in operating in a hostile environment where we are the target of SIGINT simply because some people misinterpret our goals.”
Senior public prosecutor Benjamin Krause, whose taste in metaphors is as dry as Turgenev’s wit, sternly noted that “crypto swapping is an essential component of the underground economy, used to conceal incriminated funds,” and so on. Which, I suppose, is his way of saying: it’s all fun and games until SIGINT comes calling, or until your digital samovar is repossessed by men with very large spreadsheets.
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2025-05-09 12:10