How Corporations Snatched a Record Stack of Bitcoin While Everyone Panicked đŸ˜±đŸ€‘

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If you happened to take a casual stroll through the labyrinthine corridors of global finance in Q1 2025, you might have noticed something rather improbable: public companies were guzzling down Bitcoin faster than a Vogon at a poetry slam. According to Bitwise (an entity whose seriousness is only exceeded by their obsession with pie charts), these corporations collectively hoarded 95,431 BTC in just three months. For those keeping track, that’s the largest Bitcoin buffet on record—and for anyone not keeping track, congratulations, you have more free time than they do.

At the end of this quantum leap, corporate treasuries bulged with 688,000 BTC, managing to squirrel away approximately 3.3% of the total available coinage—just enough to make Satoshi Nakamoto spit out their digital coffee. This 16% jump from the previous not-at-all-shabby quarter means more boardrooms saying “HODL” and fewer saying “should we maybe invent a product instead?”

In other breathless developments, Q1 saw a respectable parade of 12 fresh-faced, suit-clad organizations investing in Bitcoin, pushing the grand total of “Hey, we own some Bitcoin too!” companies up to 79. Imagine a convention with nothing but PowerPoint slides, a sprinkling of mild existential dread, and everyone arguing over whether to enable two-factor authentication.

Companies are buying bitcoin, Q1 2025 edition. (Spoiler: they bought a lot.)

— Bitwise (@BitwiseInvest) April 14, 2025

Strategy: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Crypto

Leading this parade is Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy, but apparently the “Micro” was too modest for their taste). Strategy could probably build a small moon out of their positions, and after forking up another 3,459 BTC for a sizzling $286 million, they own a casual 531,644 BTC. That’s roughly 77% of all Bitcoins ever acquired by corporations, making everyone else look like they’re collecting loose change from sofa cushions.

The firm now reports a breathtakingly large $36 billion spent on BTC at an average of $67,556 per coin. Yes, that’s billion—with a “b.” Somewhere, an accountant just fainted.

In the distant but determined second spot, MARA Holdings has a paltry (comparatively speaking) 47,531 BTC, about as much as you’d expect to find in the back pocket of a very paranoid billionaire. Not to be outdone, mining companies Riot Platforms and Cleanspark trail the pack with 2.8% and 1.7% of total corporate BTC, respectively—which should buy them at least a moderately sized asteroid in future financial end-times.

Meanwhile, Japanese firm Metaplanet heroically “bought the dip” with 319 BTC, or about $26 million. It’s less than 1% of corporate supply, but this still makes them Asia’s biggest digital dragon (with the fewest scales, but hey, everyone starts somewhere).

The quarter’s buying frenzy was particularly remarkable because Bitcoin, ever the digital drama queen, fell a whopping 24% from its Jan. 20 high, ending the period at $82,350—a number that sounds impressive unless you glance back at your retirement account.

Scrying the Crypto Crystal Ball 🔼

And now for those who enjoy the ancient art of price watching: Bitcoin bounced up 1.6% on the day, staggering to an intraday high of $85,750. If you blinked and missed it, don’t worry, so did most traders.

With $10,000 freshly tacked on since last week’s double-dip adventure to $75,000, everyone’s feeling slightly less existential—not that much less, just enough to justify a second cup of mediocre office coffee. Despite still being around 21% shy of its towering peak, Bitcoin has now heroically returned to the “range-bound channel,” a phrase beloved by analysts and resented by anyone who likes surprise parties.

#BTC

Bitcoin has heroically retested the multi-month Downtrend as support for the first time. Please clap.

— Rekt Capital (@rektcapital) April 14, 2025

And so the grand cosmic comedy of corporate Bitcoin accumulation rolls ever onward. Next stop: probably somewhere nobody expects, armed with spreadsheets, laser eyes, and the certainty that nothing could possibly go wrong. đŸš€đŸ€”

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2025-04-16 00:58