Iran’s Power Woes: Crypto Miners Accused of Frying the Grid (and Toasting Neighbors!)

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Of all the splendiferous ways to cause a national headache, leave it to crypto miners in Iran to muck it up with more gusto than a hungry hippo at a chocolate fountain! Yes, dear reader, as Iran sizzles under a sun hotter than a dragon’s sneeze, the lights keep flickering off—much to the annoyance of anyone mid-Netflix binge or ice cream meltdown.

Enter Mohammad Allahdad, Tavanir’s deputy boss and apparent unwitting character in this electric circus. On July 29, he declared, grandly, that cryptocurrency mining is gobbling up between 15–20% of the country’s current electricity deficit. That’s not just a number—imagine if your air conditioner, your blender, and your entire street were all powered by computers feverishly trying to earn pretend internet gold. (Now add a few more air conditioners. Now take them away, because the power’s out!)

Crypto mining is gulping nearly 2,000 MW of juice, which—if you’ll forgive the technical wizardry here—is about as much as two Bushehr nuclear reactors could belch out on a good day. That’s a whopper! If Willy Wonka made an energy factory, even he’d say, “Oh, bother, that’s rather a lot.” 😳

Never one to be upstaged, Allahdad warned that these mining gadgets behave a bit like mischievous Oompa-Loompas: they get hot, they start fires, and then—abracadabra!—your neighbor’s curtains are toasty. Fire departments have had to drag hoses out to chase after overheating mining rigs that ignited their surroundings, like little dragons hiding in basement lairs.

Crypto Mining in Iran’s Summer: As Welcome As Chocolate on a Sauna Bench

With Iran sweating through its hottest summer since camels wore ice packs, everyone wants their fans and fridges to work. But between the farmers, factories, and folks blasting the AC, the demand has leapt to record-shattering heights of 70,000 MW. Blackouts now star in Tehran’s hottest reality show: Who Stole My Electricity? Spoiler: it’s still the miners. 🍦🔌

Sort-of-helpfully, a nationwide internet outage (also starring: conflict with Israel!) briefly outed how widespread illegal mining is. During the digital nap, electricity demand dropped 2,400 MW, suggesting an eye-popping 900,000 unlawful mining rigs stopped humming. Turns out, when the WiFi is down, the miners get thrown out of the Wonka factory.

Illegal Mining: Not Just a Nuisance—Now a Secret Agent Mission!

It gets better! These rogue mining farms hide in abandoned houses, gloomy storefronts, and warehouses Kevin McCallister would be proud of. Finding them is harder than catching a gobstopper rolling under Uncle Nigel’s sofa. But Tavanir has a cunning plan: “Psst, citizen, we’ll give you up to 200 million tomans—about $2,300—if you snitch!” Honestly, who knew turning in your neighbor could be so… lucrative?

Since last year’s crackdown, authorities have seized more than 240,000 spark-spitting, coin-chasing, chaos-causing devices from every province you can throw a map pin at—Tehran, Isfahan, Kerman, and more. Mostafa Rajabi Mashhadi, another boss with a magnificently long name, wrings his hands: Iran’s electricity is so cheap, it’s practically a free sample, and every miner they yank offline is like giving the gift of electrons back to the people. 🎁🕵️‍♂️

Meanwhile, the real world keeps throwing wrenches (plus some cyberattacks!). After a hacking spree hit the largest crypto exchange, Nobitex, the grid took another wallop. And as unauthorized mining hammers away, electrical outages threaten to put the whole energy network on a diet nobody asked for. Who knew mining fake money could have quite so many real, hair-singeing, blackout-inducing side effects?

So there you have it: Iran’s power drama, a tale of miners, mischief, and misbehaving machinery. One can only hope someone finds the off switch soon—or at least invents an air conditioner powered by chocolate. 🍫⚡

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2025-07-29 21:17