Legislature Loses Its Mojo: Crypto Bill Kicks the Can to January 😳💸

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TL;DR – Or, as I like to call it, “What Could Go Wrong?”

  • The CLARITY Act? More like “We’re Still Not Clear On Anything.” 🙃
  • Senate says “not today” to crypto regulation, delaying markup to late January (aka “I’ll do it tomorrow” month).
  • Bipartisan support still MIA-like that one cousin who ghosts every family reunion.
  • Washington can’t agree on what’s a security, what’s a commodity, or who gets to yell at crypto bros. (Spoiler: Everyone wants to yell.)
  • 2026’s big crypto dreams? Looking about as likely as Congress unanimously liking a Netflix documentary.

The U.S. Senate has done what it does best: postponed a meaningful decision. This time, it’s the Digital Asset Market Structure CLARITY Act – a mouthful so long it probably needs its own comma – getting kicked into the icy winds of late January.

Chairman John Boozman, presiding over the Senate Agriculture Committee (yes, agriculture-because apparently wheat and WETH are basically the same thing now?), dropped the news like a mic wrapped in farm dust. Instead of debating crypto this week, lawmakers will now use the extra time to do… what, exactly? Meditate? Re-read the Federalist Papers? Panic quietly in their offices?

🚨FLASH: The great crypto markup showdown has been canceled. No, not because of snow. Because nobody can agree. Yep.

“Per Chairman @JohnBoozman, the @SenateAg Committee is punting its markup on crypto market structure to the last week in January…”

Translation: We tried. We failed. We’ll try again when the Oscars are over. 🍿

– Eleanor Terrett (@EleanorTerrett) January 12, 2026

Why the Delay? (Spoiler: It’s Politics, Duh)

Apparently, getting politicians to agree on anything – even something as thrilling as regulating blockchain-based tokens – is like herding cats wearing jetpacks. 🔫🐈✈️

The markup was delayed not because of a natural disaster, but the political equivalent: a lack of bipartisan love. Lawmakers are still squabbling over who gets to oversee what – the SEC, the CFTC, or maybe the USDA’s new “Crypto Cattle Division”? (Okay, not really. But that would be a fun hat.)

Other dealbreakers? Stablecoin rewards (apparently not everyone can handle free money), whether DeFi platforms should be treated like banks (they’re not, but try explaining that), and – most dramatically – who gets to be the crypto “daddy.” Spoiler: Both agencies want the title. It’s getting messy.

So, What’s in This CLARITY Act Thing?

Oh, just the most ambitious attempt yet to stop the U.S. from looking like the cool kid who showed up to prom in sweatpants.

The CLARITY Act wants to finally decide: Is your Doge a security? A commodity? Emotional support currency? Some tokens would fall under SEC rules (boring but safe), and others under the CFTC (slightly less boring). It also sets rules for exchanges, custody, disclosures – basically, a “how not to get sued” handbook.

The House passed their version in 2025 like champs. The Senate, meanwhile, is still drafting footnotes. The bill’s journey here is less “let’s get this done” and more “let’s have another committee meeting about maybe having a meeting.”

Enter: The Usual Suspects (a.k.a. People Who Hate Compromise)

Democrats worry the bill could turn investor protection into a game of “trust fall” gone wrong. Republicans? They’re not thrilled about potential limits on stablecoin yields – because nothing says “freedom” like earning 18% interest on a currency backed by… vibes.

Meanwhile, Coinbase is side-eyeing the whole thing. The exchange has made it clear: mess with our stablecoin rewards, and we’re out. Like a Gen Z at a family BBQ. They call those rewards “core to the platform,” which is code for “we’d rather eat mics than give this up.”

Elizabeth Warren Joins the Party (And Brings a Gavel)

Just in time for drama, Senator Elizabeth Warren – America’s favorite financial mom – sent a strongly worded letter to SEC Chairman Paul Atkins. Her message? “If my 401(k) turns into a crypto slot machine, I’m blaming YOU.”

After President Trump signed an exec order letting retirement funds dip into crypto, Warren hit the panic button harder than a Netflix viewer during a Wi-Fi outage. She wants the SEC to explain how they’ll stop retirees from swapping retirement security for “HODL or die.” Her deadline? January 27. So, like, ASAP.

What Happens Next?

Honestly? Probably more meetings. Maybe a few cryptic tweets. Possibly some yelling behind closed doors. Senate leaders are hoping the January delay buys them time to fix the unfixable and pass legislation that doesn’t make lobbyists cry.

But let’s be real: with a packed legislative calendar and consensus moving slower than a Windows 95 update, don’t hold your breath. The dream of clear U.S. crypto rules in 2026 is currently balanced on the same level of stability as a meme coin named “DogeFlokiInuMoon.” 🌕🚀🐕

If Congress can’t get this done, we might be stuck in regulatory purgatory until 2027. And honestly? At this point, I’d settle for a joint statement that doesn’t contain the phrase “due to evolving circumstances.”

🚀 Stay tuned. Or don’t. It’s not like anything’s happening anyway.

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2026-01-13 09:12