In a plot twist that would make even the most jaded sci-fi writer raise an eyebrow 🛸, Mastercard is allegedly circling the drain of a $1.5-$2 billion acquisition of Zerohash, a Chicago-based crypto startup that’s either revolutionary or a very fancy calculator. Fortune says yes.
Mastercard’s $2 Billion Wager: Because Gambling on Crypto is All the Rage 🎲
Zerohash, founded in 2017, specializes in stablecoin/blockchain infrastructure-essentially enabling companies to build their own crypto casinos 🎰. If this deal closes, it’ll be Mastercard’s biggest crypto bet since they tried (and failed) to trademark “BLOCKCARD” in 2018. 🤭
Prior to this, Mastercard was eyeing UK-based BVNK, a stablecoin startup that now seems destined to become Coinbase’s problem child 🤼♂️. Talks collapsed faster than a poorly secured tent in a hurricane, thanks to an exclusivity deal that’s legally binding but emotionally hollow. 💔
Meanwhile, the “traditional” financial mafia-Citi, JPMorgan, and now Mastercard-are sprinting into stablecoin land like it’s a fire sale at the world’s weirdest garage sale 🚛. Cue the GENIUS Act (no, not a typo), a US law so vague it could’ve been drafted by a sentient toaster. 🍞
Stripe’s $1.1B purchase of Bridge last year lit the fuse 🧨, turning stablecoins into the financial equivalent of a TikTok dance trend: everyone’s doing it, nobody knows why. Coinbase and Stripe are now locked in a high-stakes game of “Marco Polo” with startups. 🏊♂️
The Stablecoin Saga: Faster Than a Wire Transfer, Slower Than a Sneeze 🐢💨
Proponents claim stablecoins are the second coming of sliced bread 🍞-faster transactions, lower fees, and zero chance of mold. Critics argue they’re just wire transfers with a midlife crisis. 🤷♂️
But the infrastructure? Let’s just say it’s the digital equivalent of trying to build a skyscraper on a foundation made of jelly 🥫. Hence, the corporate feeding frenzy for startups like Zerohash, which offers APIs for tokenization (a process so niche, even Wikipedia yawns). 🥱
Zerohash’s secret sauce? They let companies build their own crypto casinos 🎰 and tokenize assets faster than a Wall Street intern downsizing NFTs. Backed by Apollo, Point72, and Nyca, they last raised $104M at a $1B valuation. Spoiler: Not all that glitters is gold. 💛
Of course, this might backfire like a pet dragon 🐉. Stablecoins could disrupt Mastercard’s interchange-fee empire, but hey-when has existential risk ever stopped a corporation? In 2021, they bought CipherTrace, a blockchain analytics firm, then quietly euthanized most of its products. Smooth. 🪦
Mastercard’s now doubling down on stablecoins, crypto ETFs, and “digital asset treasuries”-buzzwords so vague they could power a thousand LinkedIn posts. 📰 Meanwhile, the world’s largest asset managers are either geniuses or sleep-deprived gamblers. Time will tell. 🕰️
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2025-10-30 14:15