Metaplanet Wants to Buy ALL the Bitcoin—Oy Vey, Somebody Stop Them!

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Metaplanet (Tokyo Stock Exchange: 3350 / OTCQX: MTPLF)—yes, the company, not a new Marvel villain—has decided to go full-on gold rush… except, you know, the gold is digital, and the miners are IT guys in pajamas. The game plan? Buy up all the bitcoins they can get their virtual hands on, then use that stash like a Monopoly tycoon to snag businesses that actually throw off cash (insert dramatic thunderclap).

CEO Simon Gerovich, who apparently believes he’s Willy Wonka handing out golden tickets (but instead of chocolate, it’s blockchain), calls this market a “bitcoin gold rush.” Their wish list? Take Metaplanet’s already impressive pile of 15,555 bitcoins, and inflate it to 210,000 by 2027. That’s 1% of all bitcoin… ever. No small potatoes—more like a whole Idaho harvest. Gerovich keeps talking about “escape velocity,” which sounds like something you shout before launching a rocket—or, apparently, a financial plan. 🚀

The idea? Hoard so much bitcoin that everyone else throws their hands up and says, “Forget it!” and then leverage this digital dragon’s hoard to borrow money from banks to buy businesses that do, well, actual business. Critics have been mumbling that bitcoin treasury companies are riskier than eating gas station sushi, but Gerovich? He’s not sweating. New valuation methods! New frontiers! What could possibly go wrong? Meanwhile, Metaplanet’s shares have shot up 345% this year, because why ride a rollercoaster when you can own the whole theme park? 🎢💸

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2025-07-09 14:02