Gather around, folks, because Michael Saylor just crashed the Bitcoin for Corporations 2025 like a Wall Street Kramer (but without the coffee). He rolled out on stage, took the microphone, and aimed it straight at Microsoft: “Hey, Redmond! Stop hoarding your cash like you’re saving up for a yacht made of Windows 98 DVDs. Take that $75 billion and go all-in on Bitcoin!”
Picture a ballroom full of CFOs: the smell of spreadsheets, the tingling fear of market cap loss in the air. Saylor called Bitcoin the “universal, perpetual, profitable merger partner.” In other words: it’s like getting married to money that doesn’t cheat.
Microsoft Needs Bitcoin… Like Mel Brooks Needs Rimshots
Saylor didn’t pull any punches. “Microsoft is up 18% a year for the past five years. Bitcoin? Up 62%. It’s like comparing a tortoise and a cheetah, except the cheetah is wearing rocket socks! S&P 500? 14%—that’s barely keeping up with my mother-in-law’s bingo winnings.”
His math? Ruthless! “Microsoft’s so-called ‘out-performance’? That’s 4%. Bitcoin? 48% over the cost of money. Bonds? Call your accountant, because you just donated your retirement for negative returns. Why would you buy the thing that’s burning your wallet when you could buy the thing that could buy you a new wallet… made of gold… with Bluetooth?”
He went full Carl Sagan on Microsoft’s treasury: “If Microsoft buys bonds, you’re nuking 99.7% of your capital over ten years. Buying your own stock? Slightly better. You’re only vaporizing 97%—so bring marshmallows and wave goodbye to your money.”
But Bitcoin? “Ten times better than buying back MSFT! It’s the superfood of assets. Throw it in a salad, live forever.”
Saylor’s theory? We’re in the third great money age. The first was gold—shiny, heavy, gets stuck in your teeth. The second was government debt—also heavy, but mostly in your conscience. The third is Bitcoin: the digital donut that never gets stale and doesn’t need a bank to keep it safe.
He says 2024 is “year zero”—kind of like the Big Bang but with more nerds and fewer dinosaurs. 2025? “Year one.” If you want to be first to the buffet, better get in line before Warren Buffett gets there.
For the mathletes, he had models: “We ran Microsoft through a Bitcoin simulator. Four ways you win: park the cash in Bitcoin, swap dividends for coins, ditch buybacks for stacks, and add just a pinch of leverage. Depending on how wild you get, it adds $155 to $584 a share! One to five trillion in value! Less risk than letting your college nephew pick your stocks blindfolded!”
Emotional climax? “Every time you dump $200 billion, your employees age ten years, your customers revolt, and your rivals throw parties at the SEC’s house. It’s like juggling chainsaws to avoid buying a piggy bank!”
Then Saylor delivered a Mel Brooks-worthy punchline to the imaginary Microsoft board: “If you could buy a hundred-billion-dollar rocketship, growing 60% every year for the rest of your life, would you? That’s Bitcoin. Irony alert: The safest move in finance looks, to you guys, like Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve.”
MICHAEL SAYLOR JUST CALLED MICROSOFT TO BUY $75 BILLION OF #BITCOIN AND MAKE $4 TRILLION
IT’S COMING!!! 🚨💰🤡
— Vivek (@Vivek4real_) May 6, 2025
Saylor’s grand finale: “Rich people? They’re rich ‘cause they own stuff, not ‘cause they hoard coupons for next year. I’d rather own a company going up than a company giving their cash away and hoping to work more hours. Buy Bitcoin. Don’t decapitalize—supercapitalize! It’s good for everyone: your customers, your employees, your shareholders, your dermatologist. Adopt Bitcoin!”
The infamous $75 billion bet? That’s basically Microsoft’s buyback dough and dividend dreams stacked up and dunked into the Bitcoin swimming pool. Fun fact: Microsoft shareholders nixed the “let’s buy Bitcoin” proposal last December for reasons possibly related to caffeine withdrawal.
At press time, Bitcoin was trading at $96,521. Microsoft’s still trading in treasury bills, hoping the ‘90s make a comeback.
Read More
- Nine Sols: 6 Best Jin Farming Methods
- How to Unlock the Mines in Cookie Run: Kingdom
- MHA’s Back: Horikoshi Drops New Chapter in ‘Ultra Age’ Fanbook – See What’s Inside!
- Top 8 UFC 5 Perks Every Fighter Should Use
- Invincible’s Strongest Female Characters
- Top 8 Weapon Enchantments in Oblivion Remastered, Ranked
- USD ILS PREDICTION
- Fix Oblivion Remastered Crashing & GPU Fatal Errors with These Simple Tricks!
- Gold Rate Forecast
- Link Click Season 3 Confirmed for 2026—Meet the Mysterious New Character Jae Lee!
2025-05-07 19:15