North Carolina Flirts with Bitcoin: State Treasury’s Crypto Saga Gets Weird

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In a development not unlike spotting a rare bird in an overgrown garden of legislative tedium, North Carolina’s House has pushed forward a measure designed to throw a little Bitcoin sparkle onto the State’s otherwise staid public funds. One imagines the ghosts of sensible accountants shuddering across Raleigh’s antique furniture—yet here we are.

BTC Exposure Through Regulated Products: Or, How to Hold Bitcoin Without Actually Holding Bitcoin

The Digital Assets Investment Act (House Bill 92)—brainchild, or perhaps elaborate joke, of Speaker Destin Hall—first stumbled onto the stage in February and has now limped dramatically through the House, 71 to 44. Its next awkward pirouette is scheduled for the Senate, where one hopes they have been provided a glossary of crypto acronyms.

The bill, displaying the circumspection of a chaperoned debutante, says the Tar Heel State shall not descend into the wilds of purchasing Bitcoin directly. Instead, it will tiptoe in via suitably boring, regulated exchange-traded products (ETPs). Yes, that’s right—Wall Street’s equivalent of fastening your wallet with a padlock, double-sided tape, and the disapproving gaze of your grandmother. Only those listed on NASDAQ and NYSE need apply. 💃

Eligibility Requirement: Everybody Loves a Big Cap

The bill declares, in a fit of exclusivity, that only coins with a market cap above $750 billion are welcome to the party. Currently, this is just Bitcoin, so Ethereum and friends must look on with envy—much like children pressed against the glass at a very exclusive sweet shop. This cap is meant to fend off risk, volatility, and the sort of wild imaginings that led to medieval alchemy and, more recently, meme coins.

Should this somehow pass into law, North Carolina may enjoy the dubious honour of being the first state to plonk Bitcoin into the treasury via sausage-factory-regulated financial instruments. A chilling inspiration for other states, one suspects.

The Senate now must decide whether to play along or to feign fainting spells at the mention of “blockchain.” Observers nationwide will monitor the proceedings with a mixture of curiosity, schadenfreude, and perhaps popcorn.

Safeguards and Risk Management Provisions: Guarding the Piggy Bank with Lasers

Much as one locks the gin cabinet before the cousins visit, the bill is peppered with security jargon. Should the state acquire any digital treasure, it will be stored in cold wallets equipped with multi-signature gadgetry—less “safety deposit box,” more “Fort Knox protected by overzealous technophiles.” Routine audits will be conducted to check that said wallets are not, in fact, full of IOUs or references to Dogecoin.

The Treasurer, ever the cautious matron, is only permitted to proceed after an external expert assures everyone that the Bitcoin hasn’t run off to the Bahamas. And if anyone fancies selling the stash, it’ll require a two-thirds legislative vote and a financial emergency suitably dramatic for headlines—a hurricane, statewide frog infestation, or the collapse of mayonnaise futures. 🐸

Implications for Retirement Plans: Bitcoin for Your Golden Years?

The bill flirts with the future, suggesting—though not yet insisting—that the State Treasurer might offer digital asset exposure to state employee retirement plans. So, in years to come, retirees may discover their nest-egg is part-traditional, part-Wild West. An adventure for everyone’s golden years. 🌄

Rep. Keith Kidwell, optimistic ringleader, describes the whole caper as prudent risk management. In his view, it’s no more reckless than betting the pension on tech stocks or investing in the next must-have widget. A calculated gambit rather than a moonshot—at least, until someone loses the cold wallet’s password.

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2025-05-01 17:10