North Carolina Lawmakers Roll Dice on Bitcoin—What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

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  • North Carolina might invest up to 5% of its state piggy bank in digital assets—somebody hide the password! 😱💰
  • The bill lets the state dip its toes in crypto via funds. That means no lawmakers in Hawaiian shirts trading Dogecoin on their phones—yet. 🕺📱

North Carolina’s House of Representatives has made headlines—and possibly a few sweaty palms at your local credit union—by approving a crypto bill so bold, even Vegas oddsmakers are sweating.

Stop the presses: Crypto goes Carolina style!

The “Digital Assets Investment Act” (a very serious name for something this wild), also known as HB92—the “We Promise We Won’t Lose It All, Right?” Act—slid through the chamber 71–44. The new law lets the state treasurer sprinkle up to 5% of their investment fairy dust on digital assets. Of course, they promise strict custody rules, compliance checks, and—hopefully—a tech support hotline for anyone who forgets their wallet password.

This bill was unleashed by Republican House Speaker Destin Hall, who apparently woke up one morning and thought, “Hey, why not Bitcoin?” Now, the Senate gets to take its turn at either doubling down or folding.

Meanwhile, lawmakers almost broke an arm patting themselves on the back by passing the State Investment Modernization Act (HB506). It’s a sign that North Carolina is charging into the future—just as soon as they figure out how to attach a pdf to an email.

The new law comes with more fine print than a used car ad. They need board approval, an independent third-party (with a monocle, presumably) to protect the assets, and probably a priest to bless it all just in case.

Cue the “no direct crypto” alarm. They’re keeping it safe—no wild speculation on Bitcoin from the state’s rainy day fund. All investments must go through regulated bread-and-butter vehicles, like Bitcoin mutual funds. Think of it as crypto with training wheels. And a helmet. And knee pads.

The Great Debate: Diversify or Die Trying

Rep. Keith Kidwell—who probably owns at least one novelty tie—argued that this is just smart investing:

“In the same way that a good investment broker would do for you, we need to spread the allocation around.”

Just like Grandma told you: never put all your bingo winnings in one coin.

But not everyone’s putting on their party hat. Rep. Maria Cervania, sounding a lot like everyone’s cautious aunt at Thanksgiving, pointed out that Bitcoin makes a rollercoaster look stable:

“I still have a lot of questions about this investment strategy and the level of commitment we’re making to it.”

Translation: “Are we sure this isn’t like that Beanie Baby thing?”

Despite the worried voices (and the faint sobbing from the State Employees Association), Governor Josh Stein is all in. He’s betting the expanded authority will make the state richer—or at least give him a great story for his next campaign fundraiser.

But wait… there’s more!

Meanwhile, famous crypto fortune-teller Arthur Hayes is hollering that Bitcoin’s about to go up, up, up! And North Carolina wants a piece before the train leaves the station…or derails spectacularly. 🚂💥

Only Arizona is ahead in this race to put public funds into the blockchain gambling den. They’ve already sent their bills to Governor Katie Hobbs, probably with a fruit basket and a copy of “Crypto for Dummies.”

While the states are racing ahead, the feds can’t even find the starting line. Polymarket’s crystal ball says there’s zero chance a U.S. Bitcoin reserve shows up in Trump’s first 100 days, proving that some things move slower than your grandma’s dial-up.

North Carolina is making its own luck—fingers crossed they’re holding a royal flush and not a pair of jokers! 🎲🃏

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2025-05-01 16:16