Investment Policy

CEO Simon Gerovich, who apparently believes he’s Willy Wonka handing out golden tickets (but instead of chocolate, it’s blockchain), calls this market a “bitcoin gold rush.” Their wish list? Take Metaplanet’s already impressive pile of 15,555 bitcoins, and inflate it to 210,000 by 2027. That’s 1% of all bitcoin… ever. No small potatoes—more like a whole Idaho harvest. Gerovich keeps talking about “escape velocity,” which sounds like something you shout before launching a rocket—or, apparently, a financial plan. 🚀

With this integration, Galaxy’s staking services are now natively accessible to the more than 2,000 of the world’s largest financial institutions that use Fireblocks to stake digital assets directly from their Fireblocks custody vaults. 🏦

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According to an indictment that came to light this Monday, these two clever clogs launched their dodgy platform, OmegaPro, in 2019, promising jaw-dropping returns of up to 300% in just 16 months. Can you believe it? They said that top-secret elite traders were working their magic in the foreign exchange markets. 🤑 Spoiler alert: The only thing they were trading was trust, and they were selling it for a very steep price!

In a recent tête-à-tête with the Financial Times, Gerovich divulged his grand vision of achieving “escape velocity” through the acquisition of a staggering amount of BTC. “Imagine, if you will, a future where the mere weight of our Bitcoin holdings makes it nigh impossible for others to even dream of catching up,” he mused, with a twinkle in his eye that suggested he had already spent the proceeds. 🚀

With the Senate passing the “Genius Act,” Paolo expressed optimism, believing the legislation will create a global compliance framework for stablecoins, both domestic and foreign 🌎. Tether plans to align its current USDT token with these new standards and also launch a new onshore stablecoin tailored for the U.S. market 📈.

This most… thrilling product, which hath gone live on July 8, currently supports Coinbase (COIN), Robinhood (HOOD), MicroStrategy (MSTR), and Circle (CRCL), with more stocks to be added, bien sûr! Trades are only available during U.S. stock market hours, and all positions are automatically closed at the end of each trading day, because, dear trader, thou must not be allowed to sleep on thy laurels 😴.

From June 28 to July 4, the company embarked on an Ether shopping spree, gobbling up 7,689 Ether for a cool $19 million at an average price of $2,501. The treasury is now looking rather healthy, thank you very much.

The result? One might say the stock tickers are dancing a zesty kazachok: BTCS in particular, leaping so high they nearly collided with the chandeliers, posting a triple-digit prance. Who knew spreadsheets were such thrilling spectacles?