Brad Garlinghouse, cast in the baptismal light of subpoenas and whispered threats, ascends the Capitol steps yet again—this time armed not with hope, but the manuscript of his soul, preemptively published for all to witness before the sanctified congregation otherwise known as the United States Senate Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs. The audience awaits. The air is thick enough to butter your congressional toast with.
For years the whirlpool of American law has spun Ripple and its helmsman in a strange, Kafkaesque dance. To survive, Garlinghouse proclaims, his vessel has worn the uncomfortable costume of “compliance-first”—the financial world’s version of a hair shirt, chafing but pious. 🧑⚖️
Ripple now lobbies for what he calls “smart legislation,” apparently the holy grail no one can quite define. Legislation would be steeped, if wishes were horses, in market oversight firm as Siberian frost, consumer protection sturdier than a Moscow winter coat, and a commitment to innovation so bold it makes the first Sputnik look like a model airplane. 🚀
Garlinghouse urges Congress, in the deliberate patter of a poet exiled from his motherland, to charter clear boundaries for financial czars and to keep America reigning in crypto, instead of watching its treasure (tech, jobs, dreams, and tax dollars alike) embark on the next Mayflower and vanish over the Atlantic. After all, America, he sighs, is famed for its fathomless capital, the technical Brains of Olympus, and the spindrift of innovation that built a nation on stolen timezones and borrowed optimism.
Regulatory progress? Nyet, says Garlinghouse: it’s a mirage on a D.C. sidewalk in July. Innovation flees to gentler pastures, job postings evaporate, and tax revenue finds new passports. Ripple, apparently, has had its own Odyssean adventures with regulatory uncertainty—where the rules are so foggy that they make excellent camouflage for ambushing the “good guys.” One feels Ulysses might have composed his own congressional testimony, had blockchain been his muse. 🏛️
Their saga with the SEC? Shakespearean. “Losing would have tolled the funeral bell for the entire crypto realm,” Garlinghouse muses, followed by a wink to the gallery: “But rest easy! We prevailed in everything that counts.” Take that, bureaucracy!
XRP—a coin, a symbol, a sonnet. Swifter than bureaucratic red tape, cheaper than congressional lunch, and scalable beyond the wildest spreadsheet. Who knew financial instruments could yearn for the stars?
Ripple, he claims, now blooms in 15 offices scattered across this spinning earth, with an army of nine hundred true believers. One office for each circle of Dante’s hell? Or perhaps staffers assigned by zodiac sign; it’s unclear.
The legislative spectacle—billed by U.Today, which has chronicled more drama than Tolstoy—takes place at 10:15 AM Eastern Daylight Time. Set your sundials and prepare the popcorn. Democracy, like XRP, never sleeps. 🍿
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2025-07-09 08:40