Scandal, Regulation, and a Dash of Sarcasm: Tether’s Audacious American Adventure 😂💵

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One simply cannot stroll through the murky boulevards of crypto-finance without, sooner or later, tripping over Tether, that most indefatigable of stablecoin issuers. Now, like an ambitious debutante plotting a grand American entrance, Tether is hatching designs for a dollar-pegged stablecoin that will be as American as apple pie, only—dare one hope—less suspect in its composition.

Our silver-tongued protagonist, CEO Paolo Ardoino, let slip this marvellous tidbit amidst the florid revelry of Token2049 in Dubai—a city well known for both sand and sensational rhetoric. Apparently, Tether is now engaged in a pantomime of regulatory compliance, waltzing with American officials in hopes of producing this new stablecoin before the world collapses, or 2026, whichever arrives first. CNBC, with its customary gravitas, whispers that this new concoction will be crafted for the U.S.–tailored, like a three-piece suit, for picky regulators.

Now on stage at #TOKEN2049 Dubai: Paolo Ardoino (@paoloardoino), maestro and Tether’s resident optimist, exclaims:

“Tether — A Once-in-a-Century Company!”
Innovation! Resilience! Unstoppable progress! (And perhaps, a little emotional resilience for the audience.)

— Tether (@Tether_to) May 1, 2025

Of course, every respectable soap opera requires its quota of scandal. And so, last year, whispers (nay, howls) of criminal mischief clung to Tether like coffee stains on a banker’s tie. Not to be outdone by mere whispering, provocative billboards sprouted in Times Square, branding Tether as the next FTX—in the way only New Yorkers can, with both gusto and a price tag.

Transparency, a virtue much lauded and rarely practised, also paid Tether a visit. After a $18.5 million conversation with New York’s Attorney General in 2021—wherein Tether confessed, “Yes, our assets may have been… creatively described”—the company turned to more traditional forms of absolution: publicising assurance reports and parking a miniature army of US dollars under Cantor Fitzgerald’s watchful nose.

Paolo, never one for being outdone by headlines, lambasted recent investigation reports. Tether, he assured us, has joined forces with the authorities—tracking errant crypto-villains across cyberspace with the enthusiasm of an Agatha Christie protagonist (minus, perhaps, the moustache).

What’s a Stablecoin to Do?

The new U.S.-homegrown stablecoin offers a rather juicy entrée to the American market, particularly as the GOP-backed GENIUS Act sways its sceptre. This delightful bit of legislation permits foreign stablecoin issuers to bribe—sorry, “collaborate” with—law enforcement and dance through regulatory hoops, in exchange for a seat at America’s crypto banquet.

Paolo, whose suitcase must be in a perpetual state of half-unpacked, now divides his time between shadowy congressional corridors and ritzy crypto soirées, cementing his reputation as the man-about-Washington. Lawmakers and blockchain evangelists alike apparently find his company irresistible, or at least unavoidable.

Meanwhile, Tether’s performance? Positively Shakespearean in scale. At Token2049, the audience was treated to numbers so large as to produce dizziness—143.6 billion USDT issued, with a dainty $30 billion average daily volume bandied about, as if such sums were loose change between the sofa cushions.

Tether just released the attestation for Q1 2025—its first quarter under the sun-kissed gaze of El Salvador’s regulators.

Highlights as of 31st March 2025:

  • 143.6 billion total issued USDt
  • 149.3 billion in total assets/reserves
  • 5.6 billion in excess reserves, on top of the apparently indispensable 100% liquid assets…

— Paolo Ardoino 🤖 (@paoloardoino) May 1, 2025

But wait, there’s more! Tether’s investment arm—presumably staffed by gentlemen in pinstripes and monocles—recently graced Fizen Limited with its largesse, forwarding the cause of self-custody and stablecoin payments. Portfolio diversification, it seems, is all the rage among firms allergic to boredom or, indeed, stability.

death, taxes, and Tether’s inexhaustible capacity to entertain. 🍸💸

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2025-05-03 00:01