Senator Cracks Down on Trump’s Wild Crypto Ride—You Won’t Believe What Happens Next! 🚀💰

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Above the roiling din of Washington—where ambition seeps through marble like steam from a soup underfed—a sliver of legislation emerges, as if from beneath the ice of the Kolyma. Senator Adam Schiff, having presumably withstood (yet again) the gnawing cold of partisan winters, has conjured the COIN Act. One suspects the COIN Act was contrived during a sleepless night of bureaucratic indigestion, armed with the sole purpose of damping the entrepreneurial spirits of the government’s leading actors.

What is this act? Why, one that ensures politicians—and even those burdened with the misfortune of familial proximity—won’t be allowed to spearhead digital coin schemes, launch NFTs depicting bald eagles with golden toupees, or birth stablecoins destined to collapse more reliably than their campaign promises. The restrictions are to remain as persistent as that last cockroach in solitary, stretching six months before office and two long years after—because one never truly unhooks the hand from the cookie jar on the first attempt.

Today I introduced a bill to crack down on Trump’s corrupt crypto scheme.

No president — or their family — should use their office to get rich at the expense of the American people.

— Adam Schiff (@AdamSchiff) June 23, 2025

But this bill does not arrive ex nihilo; the ghost of Trump haunts every clause, every semicolon. Much as the prisoners of the Gulag shivered with anxiety over their daily rations, so do these senators tremble at the thought of Trump and his digital currency machinations. World Liberty Financial—a title suspiciously reminiscent of a dystopian snack food—recently dropped the USD1 stablecoin upon an unsuspecting populace, amassing billions faster than camp commandants amassed grievances.

Trump, a man apparently allergic to missing profit, revealed $57.35 million in token sales—a sum one might have thought would buy at least a more convincing hairpiece. Schiff, emboldened, calls for ever-closer scrutiny, the political equivalent of demanding a daily strip search for spare tokens. Righteous intent, or perhaps merely envy for not riding the meme coin wave himself? History, as usual, abstains from judgment but not from sarcasm.

The avalanche continues. GENIUS Act, cousin to COIN, crawls forward through Congress like a half-frozen bureaucrat, determined but faint. Representative Torres suggests yet further laws—perhaps one day we’ll need a bill to prevent the president from trading Pokémon cards, too. Schiff, not to be outdone, persists in his vigilance, or at least in generating entertaining committee hearings.

So here we await, trapped between the specter of profiteering and the suffocating embrace of government’s loving arms. Who will make the first move? Whose digital coin will next glitter in the frozen wastes of American ambition? Stay tuned; the comedy show continues, and no one gets out with their wallet unscathed. 💸🐻

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2025-06-24 16:19