Small Town, Big Bet: Alien Capital of America Goes All-In on Bitcoin! 🚀👽

In the year 2025, amidst the dust and silent mystery of Roswell—a city famed more for extraterrestrial myth than financial innovation—the air crackled with the birth of something wholly terrestrial: bureaucracy and cryptocurrency in a raucous waltz. 😏

On an April day, as tumbleweeds probably careered lazily past city hall, Acting Mayor Juliana Halvorson and that seasoned local sage of the cryptographic arts, Guy Malone (that name alone suggests either a detective novel or a scoundrel), gathered with grave ceremony. It was on this occasion that Roswell—against all odds and advice from nervous uncles everywhere—became the first American city to declare Bitcoin as a part of its official reserve. No word if a little green man whispered this idea into the mayor’s ear, but one wonders. 🛸

Mr. Malone, inexplicably trusted not only with private keys but also the city’s social media presence, took to his X page with an air of religious zeal and posted the immaculate document. Lo and behold: the city had received its inaugural Bitcoin donation—0.0305 BTC, which, for the unhurried reader, is 3,050,323 satoshis and, for the hurried, about $2,906 or, if you’re really pressed for time, enough for several good burritos (or one deteriorating city park bench with “alien HQ” engraved in it).

“I’m pleased to update that Mayor Pro Tem Juliana Halvorson came by my work earlier and we signed the receipt from city hall, stating that @RoswellNMGov now custodies our Bitcoin Strategic Reserve, as well as offers tax-deductible receipts for donations.
Today my heart is full.”
— Guy Malone, CBP (@RichNFrenz) April 30, 2025

Rumors abounded. Was the donor an anonymous time traveler? A cryptographic Elon Musk? The truth, as in Roswell tradition, was withheld. The Bitcoin, though sent mysteriously on January 3rd, was not acknowledged by city hands until April 29th, an act witnessed by the blockchains (and bored city clerks everywhere). Was the wait due to security, or did the paperwork just get caught in another government black hole? The writers of history may never know.

Roswell Strategic Reserve Initial Terms

The plan: the city shall hoard this Bitcoin for a minimum of ten years, much like a squirrel defending its one prized acorn. The goal: to grow these digital acorns into a digital forest—so that, one day, our noble senior citizens may have modest relief in their water bills, and perhaps an extra dessert on Sundays.

Should the fund swell to over one million American dollars (quite a lot for a city reserve, or about three cups of coffee in San Francisco), Roswell may periodically dip into the pot. But only after a unanimous council vote—because if there’s anything more thrilling than blockchain, it’s city council unanimity. Up to 21% can be spent every five years. In case of disaster, Bitcoin might just save the day, or at least buy a few sandbags and maybe a hat for the mayor. 👒

Donations are welcomed! If you feel moved by the spirit—or if you just have money burning a hole in your crypto wallet—donate over $250 and you may even get a signed receipt. (You’ll have to trust Guy Malone with your mailing address, but if you can trust him with the city’s Bitcoin, why not your mailbox?) Dollars, property, and good will are also accepted, though probably not cows, which still cannot yet be tokenized.

Not to be left behind, New Hampshire is creeping into the fray, though one suspects their city council meetings might be a shade less dramatic. Watch this space for further developments, or perhaps—another mysterious donation.

2025-04-30 22:11

Roswell Strategic Reserve Initial Terms

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