In a land where sunburns outnumber fortunes, Discovery Bank, with a flourish of bureaucratic bravado, has declared itself the first to let citizens trade cryptocurrencies via its mobile app by December 2025. Partnering with London’s Luno, a venture as audacious as a poet’s midlife crisis, the bank promises to democratize Bitcoin and Ethereum-though one wonders if “democratize” here means “let you squander your savings on digital Ponzi schemes.”
Users, they say, may now link accounts to buy, hold, or sell digital assets. A bold move for a bank that only just turned a profit in its third year of existence. One imagines a line of citizens, clutching their smartphones like talismans, whispering, “Perhaps this time, it’ll be different.”
– Luno (@LunoGlobal) November 13, 2025
A Panorama of Fifty-Plus Cryptocurrencies
“The financial world is evolving fast,” declared Hylton Kallner, Discovery Bank’s CEO, as if he’d just discovered fire. “Crypto has matured into a mainstream asset class,” he added, conveniently omitting the part where “matured” might mean “crashed spectacularly in 2022.” With one in ten South Africans already owning crypto, Kallner’s team offers real-time tracking, fee-free transfers, and Vitality Money Savings points. A system where your wallet earns rewards for holding assets that might vanish overnight-truly, a gift from the gods of irony.
James Lanigan of Luno, a man whose name sounds like a British spy, hailed the partnership as “the first of its kind in Africa.” One hopes he means “first” as in “pioneering” and not “first to face a regulatory reckoning.”
Growth Amidst the Competitive Thicket
Discovery Bank, launched in 2021, earned its first profit in 2023-a feat akin to a toddler learning to walk while juggling. Now it battles Absa, FNB, and others in a market where crypto licenses are doled out like participation trophies. The Financial Sector Conduct Authority, ever the vigilant nanny, ensures compliance, though one suspects the real action happens in the shadows where Vitality Points are minted.
In March, the bank introduced TRUST Alert, a system that analyzes transactions “in real time.” A noble endeavor, perhaps, but what better way to monitor fraud than to let customers trade assets that exist only in code? A modern Prometheus, indeed.
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2025-11-13 22:07