Stocks and Bitcoin Take a Nosedive: Weak Jobs Data Brings Market Mayhem

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Gather ’round, friends, and prepare to be underwhelmed—yet again. The latest U.S. employment report was so disappointing it could be mistaken for a failed magic trick, with numbers revised downward faster than you can say “economic optimism.”

Jobs Report Flops, Markets Go Red: A Story of Market Melancholy

Friday morning saw investors experiencing the economic version of a bad breakup—waves of disappointment and a deep, unshakeable gloom. The July jobs report, which should’ve been a cheerleading squad, instead read like a sad poetry slam. It showed only 73,000 new jobs—yes, just seventy-three thousand in the grand scheme—beating June’s pitiful 14,000 but falling way short of the 115,000 economists desperately predicted. It’s almost as if the economy decided to hit “pause” for a breather, or maybe just a nap.

Oh, and unemployment? Not exactly a poster child for stability, rising from 4.1% in June to a solemn 4.2%. Though, to be fair, that’s like noticing a tiny speck on your shirt and claiming it’s a fashion statement. But the real cake-topper was the revision of the previous months’ employment figures: both May and June suddenly lost a combined 516,000 jobs, making the economy look more like a pinched-faced grievance than the roaring goose that laid the golden eggs everyone hoped for.

Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer brushed it all off with a promise that “numbers sometimes catch up to what’s on the ground,” which sounds suspiciously like when someone blames the weather for a bad hair day. She tried to put a brave face on it with the usual “net positive” mumbo jumbo, but even she must’ve known better. (She’s saying it’s a “net positive,” but your guess is as good as mine.)

Meanwhile, Wall Street’s big guns—S&P 500, Nasdaq, and Dow—took a collective nose dive, each falling over 1% in a synchronized display of economic whimpering. Cryptocurrency, that shiny new rollercoaster, wobbled by 3.43%, and the market odds of a rate cut in September skyrocketed from about 40% to an eye-watering 83%. President Trump, channeling his inner Wall Street cheerleader, didn’t hold back on social media: “Too Little, Too Late. Jerome ‘Too Late’ Powell is a disaster,” he declared, adding that tariffs are bringing billions into the U.S. coffers—because who doesn’t love a good trade war? 🎢

Market Metrics: The Numbers, the Numbness, and the Nerve

Bitcoin was trading at $114,569.45—a loss of 2.88% in the last day, standing on the edge of its digital dignity. Over the week, it’s down 1.31%, and over the past 24 hours, its price range swung from $114,061.73 to $118,868.42, like a teenager with outlandish mood swings. The lower end was reached just after the jobs report—talk about a party pooper. (BTC’s latest mood swing, courtesy of Trading View.)

Trading volume oddly shot up 28.78% to $89.4 billion, perhaps because everyone was nervously clicking ‘buy’ or ‘sell’ while pondering if we’re all just riding a giant economic rollercoaster with no seatbelts. Meanwhile, market cap slipped 2.75%, resting at $2.29 trillion—impressive how Bitcoin’s dominance barely flinched, rising 0.36% to 61.97%, proving once again that the digital gold isn’t giving up its crown without a fight. (Bitcoin’s throne, still somewhat secure.)

Oh, and futures? Total open interest dipped slightly to $83.27 million, with liquidations since Thursday reaching a staggering $203.11 million. The long positions took a hit—liquidated for about $192 million—while shorts barely registered a blip. Basically, nobody’s winning today, but everyone’s checking their screens nervously.

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2025-08-01 21:27