The Final Coin: Thiel’s Great Ether Escape

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In the vast and slightly damp expanse of the cryptocurrency jungle, where fortunes are made, lost, and occasionally found in the backs of wardrobes, billionaire investor Peter Thiel has decided to abandon ship-preferably a very expensive one-with his firm Founders Fund. According to ancient scrolls known as SEC filings, they’ve managed to reduce their ownership of ETHZilla from a modest little slice of 7.5% to precisely zero by the end of 2025. A feat that would make even the most dedicated monk proud.

ETHZilla, for those who missed its brief moment in the sun (or perhaps a brief moment in the moonlight), once raised 425 million dollars to build an Ether treasury after rebranding from 180 Life Sciences-a name that now sounds like a gym that only sells protein shakes. Mr. Thiel’s involvement was so influential that shares soared to $174, a number that would later plummet with all the grace of a lead balloon at a hot-air balloon festival.

As the market’s delicate health took a turn for the worse, ETHZilla began selling off Ether “to repay debt,” a process that involved selling digital coins like they were last season’s fashion. Meanwhile, the company pivoted to tokenized jet engine leases-because nothing says “future of finance” like fractional ownership of a turbine that costs more than most countries’ annual budgets.

Mr. Thiel, ever the pragmatist, has chosen to exit stage left, leaving behind a trail of confused investors and a boardroom that’s 75% empty chairs and 25% existential dread. One can only wonder what he’ll do next. Perhaps invest in a time machine? Or maybe just a really good lawyer.

SEC filings: the only documents that make both accountants and poets weep.
Jet engines as assets: because why not tokenize something that can literally blow up in your face?

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2026-02-18 10:06