The Trumped-Up Golden Gulp: A Cryptic Comedy of Errors

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A rather ostentatious effigy of the erstwhile President, Donald J. Trump, now stands sentinel at one of his golfing sanctuaries-a 15-foot bronze colossus, gilded in gold leaf, as if to say, “Behold, the man who could never be small.”

But this statue, affectionately dubbed “Don Colossus,” is not merely a tribute to a man with 34 felony counts (and counting). It is, as the New York Times delicately puts it, the centerpiece of a crypto venture so bizarre it could make a Broadway farce weep. Expect legal tussles, financial whiplash, and alliances forged in the fires of desperation.

  • A 15-foot statue of Trump, lovingly funded by $300k from crypto enthusiasts, was meant to elevate the struggling PATRIOT memecoin-until it lost 90% of its value with the grace of a soufflé in a hurricane.
  • Delays, artistic squabbles, and a $75k IP dispute with sculptor Alan Cottrill turned the statue into a gilded hostage, delaying its grand reveal like a bad play waiting for the curtain to rise.
  • Despite the coin’s implosion, the project marches on, planning an unveiling at Trump’s Doral resort-because why let a little failure dampen the spectacle?

Commissioned by crypto investors with the optimism of a man betting his house on roulette, the statue was intended to promote PATRIOT, a memecoin whose sole function seemed to be testing the patience of the universe. Launched in late 2024, it briefly flirted with success as Trump promised to make America crypto-again. But, as memecoins often do, the PATRIOT soared briefly before crashing into the sand like a seagull with a broken wing.

The coin’s price plummeted with the elegance of a deflated balloon, while delays and infighting among investors turned the statue into a monument to hubris. Yet, its golden sheen and imposing stature continue to draw curious glances, much like a glittering piñata at a party where everyone forgot to bring a stick.

Backers, a motley crew of crypto developers and right-wing enthusiasts, now rely on social media theatrics to revive the coin’s fortunes, as if the internet’s collective attention span could be bribed with hashtags and nostalgia.

The Official Trump Coin: A Tale of Two Tokens

Amidst the chaos, sculptor Alan Cottrill found himself embroiled in a high-stakes dispute over his $75k IP fee, threatening to withhold the statue until justice-by which he meant money-was served. Despite these hiccups, the pedestal was installed at Trump’s golf resort in January 2026, a concrete-and-steel stage for a drama that only crypto could write.

Though the Trump family issued a statement as vague as a politician’s promise, the former president himself couldn’t resist a plug, sharing a link to Breitbart News and keeping PATRIOT in the spotlight-just in time for his own coin, Official Trump (TRUMP), to launch and steal the show. Timing, they say, is everything. Or, as the PATRIOT investors might say, “We told you so.”

The saga, now a cautionary tale wrapped in MAGA flag fabric, continues. The statue, once a marketing stunt, is set for an unveiling in Doral, Florida, where Trump may or may not attend-though the real question is whether anyone will still care by then.

Cottrill, still awaiting his $75k, watches as investors cling to hope that the statue’s golden gleam will spark a crypto renaissance. Meanwhile, the project insists it’s all about “the people”-a claim as convincing as a con artist’s smile.

In the end, Don Colossus may stand not as a tribute to Trump, but as a gilded reminder that in the world of crypto, even the boldest dreams can turn to dust-and gold leaf.

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2026-02-04 02:34