Trump’s Wild Bitcoin Plan Will Leave You Speechless 😲

You guys, Donald Trump just rolled into the Blockworks Digital Asset Summit in NYC like a dad who decided to start a TikTok for “the youth.” But instead of dances, he’s promising to make America the BeyoncĂŠ of Bitcoin. Bold move, Donny. Bold move. 🤦‍♀️

Trump’s Vision: Bitcoin, But Make It *Federal*

Apparently, Trump’s plan involves creating a *literal* Bitcoin stockpile for the government. Yes, folks, we’re talking a Federal Piggy Bank but for Bitcoin. “We’re done with the last administration’s war on crypto,” he declared, probably while adjusting his tie like he’s starring in an infomercial for a space-age pan.

He added that with the “right legal framework,” innovation will soar because—wait for it—tech folks just needed permission! Who knew the key to unlocking a tech revolution wasn’t, you know, years of relentless coding, but a Trump thumbs-up? 🙃

The pièce de résistance? A Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. Yes, your tax dollars could potentially be playing HODL with Bitcoin. Makes your grandma’s coin jar seem quaint, huh? 🎰

Stablecoins in the Spotlight: Dollar Makeover Edition 💵

Not stopping there, Trump is also hyping stablecoins like they’re the new pumpkin spice latte of fintech. “Landmark legislation for common-sense rules!”—a sentence that sounded oddly like it was pulled from the manual for assembling an IKEA chair.

His pitch? Dollar-backed stablecoins could boost the economy and keep the US dollar busier than a Kardashian at a selfie convention. Or so he says. 🤷‍♀️

To back him up, the Senate Banking Committee pushed forward a bipartisan bill aimed at regulating stablecoins. We’re talking rules, people—finally! Because what’s better fun than turning crypto bros into accountants?

“Economic explosion!” Trump said, like a guy trying to sell you fireworks out of a van. The idea is that this digital dollar domination will bring endless benefits. And by “endless,” we mean the fine print still says, “Results may vary.”

Bitcoin performance chart

Of course, not all that glitters is Bitcoin gold. The crypto markets have been moodier than that one friend who’s *always* on Twitter. Despite Trump’s enthusiasm, Bitcoin has been yo-yoing harder than your New Year’s resolutions.

Let’s break it down: Bitcoin hit an ATH (that’s All-Time High for anyone who thought it meant “All The Headaches”) of $109,000 per token back in January. But as of today? It’s chilling at around $84,350, looking positively exhausted. 🥵

With the $80,000 level as a crucial support floor, Bitcoin is either bouncing back like Cher on a farewell tour or tumbling down like, well, a Cher farewell tour. Either way, it’s drama on Wall Street!

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2025-03-21 20:14