U.S. Gov Confirms: Bitcoin Still There, Not My Problem 🤷♂️

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Let me get this straight… The U.S. government just dropped a bombshell: they didn’t sell the Bitcoin from Samourai Wallet. Groundbreaking stuff. Who knew? 🤯 They’re holding onto it like it’s a winning lottery ticket they can’t decide to cash in. Meanwhile, I’m out here trying to return a $5 Amazon purchase. Priorities, people! 😒

DOJ’s “Clarification” – Because Nobody Likes Ambiguity

Patrick Witt, some guy with a fancy title, said the DOJ confirmed the Bitcoin “hasn’t been liquidated and won’t be liquidated.” Great! So they’re just hoarding it like a squirrel with a crypto stash. 🐿️ They’re calling it the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. Genius. Next thing you know, they’ll be building a bunker and trading goldfish for Dogecoin.

This follows rumors that prosecutors in SDNY sold the Samourai Bitcoin. Classic! Sell it? Why not just throw it into the sun? 🌞 But hey, Executive Order 14233 says they’re supposed to keep it. Who knew the government had such strong opinions about Bitcoin?

On-Chain Data: Because We All Trust the Government With Our Lives

Arkham’s blockchain data says the government’s wallets haven’t blinked once. No sales, no drama. As of mid-January, they’re still holding over 328,000 BTC ($31B). That’s enough to buy every house on your street and still have change for coffee. ☕ But no Samourai-related sales? Whatever. I’m just here to see if they’ll crash the market or not. Spoiler: They won’t. Probably.

Why the Drama? It’s Just Bitcoin, Folks

Back in the Silk Road days, the government sold seized Bitcoin like it was hot. Now they’re acting like it’s a sacred artifact. 🤷♂️ Executive Order 14233 changed the game-suddenly, Bitcoin is a “strategic asset.” Congrats, Uncle Sam. You’re now a crypto investor. Good luck when it drops to $1 next week. 😅

Final Thoughts (Because This Was Too Long Already)

  • The DOJ just saved us from a potential panic attack. They’re keeping the Samourai Bitcoin. Phew. 🙌
  • Legacy expectations are like a bad date-they’re clingy and never stop expecting you to do what they want. The government’s new policy is just… confusing.

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2026-01-17 01:08