Venezuela’s Bitcoin Mirage

by

Opinion

Ah, the elusive cryptocurrency cache of Venezuela-rumored to be worth $60 billion, yet as tangible as a daydream in a teapot. 🤯 The whispers of state-controlled Bitcoin are, alas, more suited to a parlour game than a ledger. As a born-and-bred Caraqueño who once wrestled with mining rigs in the heat of the Bolivarian sun, I must confess: the regime’s secret stash is less treasure trove and more fairy tale. Why? Let us unravel this yarn with the flair of a Victorian gossip columnist.

The allegations, you see, rest on three pillars: a gold sale swapped for Bitcoin in 2018, oil revenues priced in crypto, and stolen mining equipment. A delightful trifecta of speculation, one might say. I concede Venezuela did dabble in crypto oil deals-how could they resist the allure of digital alchemy? And yes, my family’s mining gear was pilfered, a personal memento of the regime’s kleptocratic flair. 😂 Yet the 2018 gold sale? That’s as credible as a socialist utopia.

Why the 2018 Gold Sale Was Probably Not Converted to Bitcoin

Alex Saab, Venezuela’s current minister of industry and national production, is the star of this farcical opera. Imprisoned by the U.S. from 2020 to 2023, he was released in a prisoner exchange that made “Mission: Impossible” look like a nap. Rumors claim he controlled $10-20 billion in BTC at the time. How charming! For context, the Central Bank’s reserves then were ~$9.9 billion-yet not a single satoshi was disclosed. If Saab truly held twice that amount, one must wonder why the regime didn’t simply print a few billion bolívares and call it a day. 🚀

Why Crypto Sales Won’t Show Up in Official Reserves

Hugo Chávez and Nicolás Maduro’s regimes are masters of corruption so profound, even the Guri Dam has probably filed a civil lawsuit against the government. Consider SUNACRIP, Venezuela’s crypto regulator: a name that sounds like a bureaucratic joke. In 2023, high-ranking officials stole $17.6 billion from PDVSA via irregular oil sales. If they can’t manage a state oil company, what hope do they have of safeguarding Bitcoin? The answer, dear reader, is none. 🙃

Stolen Mining Equipment: A Recipe for Disaster

Venezuela’s mismanagement of PDVSA is the stuff of legend. From 3.5 million barrels a day to 800,000-a decline so dramatic, even the oil fields must have yawned. As for stolen mining equipment? The regime’s incompetence rivals a toddler attempting to assemble IKEA furniture. Add to this the country’s energy grid, which operates on a schedule of programmed blackouts (four hours daily, or more if the mood strikes). Mining Bitcoin here is like trying to bake a soufflé in a hurricane. 🌪️

In conclusion, yes, Venezuela has Bitcoin. It’s just not in the hands of the regime. A lesson in hubris, perhaps? Or merely a reminder that truth is stranger than fiction. 🌟

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2026-01-06 22:11