Wall Street Bankers Panic—Bitcoin’s “10x” Trick Could Make You Richer Than Your Boss

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In which the merchant Saylor puzzles the financial aristocracy 🧐

  • Somewhere in the mysterious labyrinth of balance sheets, our modern Saylor—yes, Michael, not Long John—has begun to stash bitcoin as if it were salted herring in winter. Miraculously, stock prices have soared, eliciting gasps from bored shareholders and raising the suspicion of every respectable auditor in Petersburg.
  • Meanwhile, obscure researchers at NYDIG (certainly fed on mushrooms, or perhaps kasha) have conjured up a “10x money multiplier” resulting in whispers of $42,000 appearing out of the ether per bitcoin. Somewhere, a banker faints; clerks drop their ledgers; the tea grows cold.
  • If these oracles are correct, bitcoin’s price would balloon by 44%. Will the townsfolk rejoice or simply lose their hats in the ensuing chaos? The mind reels.

Mark my words, gentlefolk: imitating Saylor’s plan has become as fashionable as wearing oversized galoshes after the first thaw. Firms listed upon the Exchange now gather bitcoins as if they were shiny buttons, and, wonders never cease, find their share prices plumping up like a well-fed provincial governor. Shareholders look on in stupefied bliss, uncertain whether to celebrate or check under their mattresses for missing rubles.

But what hides under this arithmetic shroud? The sages at NYDIG have scribbled upon their abacuses and, with a flourish, delivered the news: apply this mystical ’10x money multiplier,’ divide by a handful of bitcoin, and behold—a $42k jump! Now all Petersburg’s financial district is abuzz, with rumors even making their way to the postmaster’s hound.

How did they reach this vision? NYDIG’s bureaucrats studied the ledgers of Strategy (whose ticker, MSTR, must surely stand for “Most Suspicious Ticker in Russia”), Metaplanet, Twenty One, and Semler Scientific. Each of these has begun bartering their own share certificates for that most glimmering of treasures: bitcoin. Analysts claim, with statistics only an actuary could love, that at these lofty share prices, they could rustle up enough cash to launch a thousand golden carriages straight into crypto-land.

Should this come to pass, the price of the flamboyant coin leaps 44%. Imagine: somewhere deep in Wall Street, a manager proudly flourishes his profit-and-loss chart at dinner parties, while clients clutch their pearls and demand lemon with their pelmeni. In these turbulent days, who wouldn’t want such a chart as shelter from the storm?

NYDIG proclaims: “Dry powder”—a phrase conjuring images of bored Cossacks with muskets—could blow bitcoin prices sky-high. All this while the humble supply of the coin remains more limited than an honest tax inspector. Public companies alone hoard 3.63% of all bitcoin, most of which is jealously guarded by Strategy’s board like it’s the last samovar in Kiev. Add in private hoarders and the ever-crafty government, and the figure swells to a positively Gogolian 7.48%, so say the accountants at BitcoinTreasuries.

And, if the U.S. government (presumably wearing a false moustache and impeccable overcoat) discovers a “budget-neutral method” to snatch up bitcoin for its reserves, who knows what hijinks will follow? More hats will be lost. More ledgers will be scattered. Petersburg will never be the same. 💼🪙🎩

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2025-05-04 17:12