What to know:
- Crypto financiers at dao5 unveiled an astonishing bounty of $222 million (no, that’s not the ruble-to-dollar exchange rate), now clutching a princely $550 million in their ledgers.
- All this coin for improbable things! Public blockchains, stablecoins—good grief, even governments and institutions are being courted. One wonders if the postmaster general has received his NFT yet.
- Scheming as only Petersburg’s cleverest can, these gentlemen intend to transmogrify their fund into a decentralized autonomous organization—add ‘DAO czar’ to the list of modern absurdities.
In the dim-lit corners of financiers’ parlors—where vodka is sipped and spreadsheets are known to dance—the men of dao5 have loosed $222 million upon a world already dizzy with coins neither gold nor silver, but ‘crypto.’ What a word! Like something whispered about peasants in the provinces. This capital swells their fortune-chest to a fat $550 million, which, if it can’t buy happiness, will at least buy impressive waistcoats.
Conceived in the fresh confusion of 2022, by Tekin Salimi—himself once a Polychain prince—dao5 placed its first bets on fantastical marvels: Story Protocol, Bittensor, Berachain, EigenLayer. Who could blame them? In such times, even the police commissioner thinks in blockchains!
Their original fund was hatched when bull markets pranced like overfed horses three years ago. Now, they boast of returning spoils to their limited partners, who, presumably, are off examining truffle prices and telling everyone how they always “believed” in crypto.
“These are the acne years for crypto,” Salimi quipped (one presumes he did not mean this literally). Suffering, they say, is good for character—and apparently for financial technology. Speculation, once the naughty imp of the industry, is being sent to finishing school!
The new goal is nothing short of majestic: enmeshing blockchains into the grand tapestries of world commerce and government, and even—hold your powdered wigs—“state-sovereign artificial intelligence.” Yegor Petrovich couldn’t have dreamed it after three bowls of cabbage soup.
Meanwhile, as if concocting these schemes didn’t suffice, the lords of dao5 are turning themselves into a “decentralized autonomous organization.” The czar’s officials must be spinning in their feather-bedded offices. To aid this slow revolution, they have summoned George Lambeth—a name worthy of bureaucratic intrigue—to oversee the next act.
Will the world be changed? Will blockchain eat cabbage soup? Only the next chapter will tell, but at least the investors will have fascinating stories at the samovar. ☕💸
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2025-05-01 19:15