You Won’t Believe How Much Bitcoin Corporations Might Hoard By 2029! 🤯💰

by

Ah, Monsieur Bernstein, armed with grand numbers and a feathered quill, proclaims with the flourish of a zealous notary, “In but five short years, corporations shall toss $330 billion at Bitcoin, as if scattering confetti at an opulent wedding.”

“Behold, we expect $330 billion in corporate treasures to find their home with monsieur Bitcoin by 2029,” quoth the learned analysts, their wigs brimming with confidence.

Let us not snicker, dear audience, for this suggests that Bitcoin now enters the sacred ledgers of business, no longer content with shady speculation, but posturing for respect at the Treasury Ball! Indeed, they whisper that among the multitude, corporations of public repute shall strive to hurl $205 billion at this digital muse.

Who shall lead this parade, you ask? Not the titans of industry, but “petites entreprises” with nary a glimmer of growth—each dreaming of mimicking the noble house of Strategy, clutching their Bitcoins like nobles hoarding snuffboxes at court.

Bernstein: “Expect yon $330 milliards to flock toward Bitcoin’s embrace by 2029.
Within just five seasons, our listed companies, bewitched and besotted, shall fling $205 milliards into Bitcoin’s gaping maw, trailing, nay, imitating Master Saylor’s stratagem…”
— matthew sigel, recovering CFA (@matthew_sigel) May 5, 2025

Corporate Accumulation, or How to Become a Bitcoin Aristocrat 👑

Deep within the counting houses, researchers dust off their abaci: those wielding $100 million or more in gold—pardon, “cash”—could soon bestow $190 billion upon their digital darling, BTC. High-spirited young firms, flush with promises and caffeine, might contribute a further $11 billion come 2026. Even those of sober disposition may toss in $5 billion by 2027, if only to keep up appearances.

And what is their muse? None other than Michael Saylor—yes, the merchant prince of Bitcoin! For his firm, whose name once fluttered as MicroStrategy, now Strategy, is oft-imitated and, if Bernstein’s crystal ball glimmers true, will leave countless small companies muttering “Pourquoi pas moi?” into their goblets.

“Our most bullish reveries conjure up another $124 billion from Strategy’s emporium alone,” they intoned, “as Monsieur Saylor continues his unquenchable thirst for coin.”

For small, slow-growing houses with chests brimming with idle coin, this is the new dueling handbook. Before you can say “c’est la vie,” they rush to mimic the Saylor Method, glancing at their accountants for permission—or at least forgiveness.

“Alas!” say the Bernstein scribes, “there’s no road, nor even a humble alley, for value creation—but behold! The success of Strategy offers them a rare escape from their market ennui.”

Beware, ye corporate hopefuls! For not every actor may play Saylor’s role with equal aplomb—this comedy is at the mercy of Bitcoin’s ever-capricious stage, where tragedy lurks in the shadows of every pump and dump.

Strategy: Or, Michael Saylor’s Excellent Bitcoin Adventure 🚀

Consider, citizens, the prodigious Monsieur Saylor. With a shake of his purse, he scoops up another 1,895 BTC on May 5, tossing $180 million on the table like a gentleman waging a wager at Versailles. This brings Strategy’s tally to a jaw-slapping 555,450 BTC—valued at a giddy $52.5 billion. The man buys Bitcoin as others buy croissants.

His cost per coin? $68,569! And the ledgers glow with a sparkling 38% unrealized gain—or $14 billion in the common tongue. The Saylor Tracker, no less, confirms every flourish.

As if bewitched, the firm’s shares pirouette upwards by 97% since year’s dawn—a spectacle even Molière’s most conniving characters would envy! Against this backdrop, Bitcoin itself plods along, trading much where it began, as if to say, “I let others do the heavy lifting.”

If, dear reader, you thirst for yet more numbers: over 723,000 BTC—more than $68 billion—are held by public companies in a mad, glittering pile. After Strategy, mining houses such as Marathon Digital Holdings, Riot Platforms, and CleanSpark snatch up what remains, all hoping not to be the last guest at the ball.

In conclusion: one wonders, will these modern-day Scrooges become legends, or simply provide us with amusement and cautionary tales? Only time—and perhaps a little divine farce—shall tell. 🎭

Read More

2025-05-06 10:01