You Won’t Believe Trump’s Next Big Thing: Utility Tokens, Wallets, and Memecoins!

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Amidst the endless winds and the churning snows of this great American steppe, it came to pass that President Donald Trump, a man honored by multitudes and derided by perhaps even more, contemplated a new scheme—that his Truth+ streaming enterprise would mint a utility token. The matter, as all matters of grave import in this country, was set forth by Devin Nunes, a man once of Congress and now captain of Trump Media & Technology Group, who delivered news to shareholders like a village postman delivering a tax notice (but with less cheer).

What, you ask, would a “utility token” be good for? Nunes, who spoke with the confidence of one who has never lost a game of Old Maid, proposed tokens to pay not only for Truth+ subscriptions but, in time, to gain ingress to other wonders of the Truth ecosystem. A peerless plan! Why pay in dollars when your pockets may jingle with digital coins that disappear faster than winter wheat before the scythe?

Meanwhile, the memecoin known to all (and feared by some) as TRUMP—yes, built upon the Solana chain, perhaps because teams of oxen could not drag it further—suffered a price decline. Some attributed this to news of innovation; others said perhaps the coin simply wished, like the Russian serf, to rest for a moment. $12.70, down 7%—verily, a small fortune if only one had remembered to sell.

Back in January—a month as cold as a banker’s heart—TMTG trumpeted its new partnership with Charles Schwab, an institution as old and reliable as a samovar, to birth Truth.Fi, a “fintech firm” (that modern samovar steaming with cryptic currency mysteries).

With boardroom deliberation of gravity to rival a Dostoevskian inquest, TMTG resolved to commit $250 million into Schwab’s custodial embrace, with dreams of ETFs, SMAs, and, of course, digital gold (known, with some reverence, as Bitcoin). The shareholder letter, written with a flourish suited more to love than financial declaration, declared their first Truth.Fi products would parade as “customized SMAs and ETFs”—whatever those mean to the peasantry.


“These wares shall bear an America-First theme,” intoned Nunes, “ranging across industries, yoked together in ETFs mischievously containing both cryptocurrencies and old-world equities.”


To realize this, Trump Media did not hire mere cobblers or tinsmiths, but allied with firms whose very names resound with seriousness: Index Technologies Group! Yorkville America Equities! Crypto.com! The likes of which mothers threaten their children with if they do not finish their chores.


“Trump Media,” Nunes concluded, “plans to invest alongside you, for truly nothing binds men together better than the frequent and random loss of capital.”

Yet, as spring follows winter and sarcasm follows promise, public censure has not been idle. Vitalik Buterin—whose name alone holds more syllables than the Senate has sense—tartly declared political coins mere “vehicles for unlimited political bribery.” (One wonders if he tried to use TRUMP coin to pay for his borscht?)

And in February, righteous champions from Public Citizen—whose virtue shines like frost in March—addressed the Department of Justice and Office of Government Ethics, warning that this memecoin might violate laws against gifts to officials. Some see corruption; others see a new American tradition: delivering presents under a tree decorated with NFTs.

Ah, but such is the tale of tokens, egos, and ambitions; of men and memes and the vast digital steppes where only the bold (and the somewhat reckless) may truly thrive. To invest, or merely to laugh—from Tolstoy to Trump, history repeats, first as tragedy, then as memecoin. 🎩🪙😂

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2025-05-02 03:04